'The final football season' - NYU: how you spent summer vacation: 500

Please comment on this piece, thank you

Practicing for my last football season made this summer the most memorable. My second year on varsity marked my last chance of earning a playoff game. More importantly, this would be the final season I would play football with the men I played with since my freshman year. Each grueling day I lifted weights with my team, and practiced in the sweltering heat. Regardless of the outcome of the season, I hope that I can maintain relationships that I have formed through football the last four years.

Specifying "men" can be unbecoming of you in this context. Why not say "students?" The reader appreciates you as a student with great potential.

...the past four years. ---> this changge is no big deal!

Can you connect this effort and discipline and camaraderie with something about your intended field of study or career? Mention your life plan, as if you are so excited about it that you cannot help but mention it when talking about this experience. If you are passionate about your academic aspirations, you might think about it when you think about football, or anything else.

It's not bad, but you could do so much more with this piece. I know you care about football, and that the team is important to you, but you have to make that more evident in your essay. Make sound like you care. Describe your grueling work outs, the sweltering heat, and the victory, pride, and glory ahead in greater detail.

I'm applying to NYU too! good luck!!
but anyway i didn't think it was bad...but i agree with Mellzzer... you could do SOO much more! and i know that the character limit is a pain. trust me i do, but really try to focus more on how you spent the summer. not why you did what you did. but go into detail on the events of the summer. does that make sense?

ANSWER MINE PLEASE?!