hi! i'm applying to NYU, and am trying to write my essays. I'd really appreciate any constructive criticism that you have to offer! This essay prompt is:
In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.
This summer, I was the only one in my family who didn't get sick, so I was stuck at home for four weeks. I just read, made jewelry, and hung out with friends. The latter end of my summer was much more exciting. I went to my church's summer camp for the second, and last, time. It was a great opportunity to expand in my faith- and have tons of fun. I also went up to Northern California to visit my family, and I had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I only get to see once a year.
This is a sincere answer but now a particularly impressive one.
This summer, I was the only one in my family who didn't get sick, so I was stuck at home for four weeks. - this doesn't tell anything about you to the admissions officer, plus why would you be stuck at home if you weren't sick yourself?
I would suggest you to expand either in your church's summer camp or in your visit to Northern California, and tell why that experience was important and why did you get away from it. good luck
Help me with my posts, if you can :)
Hmm, I think this answer is rather ambiguous. perhaps expand a bit more on one particular idea instead of being all over the place. I know the character limit doesn't give much room for description but perhaps try to elaborate on idea.
I also agree with the suggestions that poisonivy suggested.
Emmerz
I agree with Significa, you should focus on one thing and elaborate on it. Maybe even omit the part about everyone else being sick. Just write more about how the summer camp benefited you and how you contributed to the experience of everyone else.
Thanks for the suggestions! here's an edited version:
This summer, I went to my church's summer camp for the second, and last, time. It was a great opportunity to expand in my faith- and have tons of fun. I also went up to No. CA to visit my family. I had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I see once a year. It was the best part of my summer. I played with my cousin's kids, all boys under 8. We swam in Whiskeytown Lake, and I made steadfast friends with a group of third grade girls as we battled the boys over control of the floating platform.
This is well written but is not that impressive of a summer. Try to elaborate more on the church summer camp.
this is a version where i talk mostly about my church camp
This summer, I traveled up to No. CA to visit my family, and had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I see once a year. I went to my church's summer camp for the second and last time. We spent our time puling pranks and taking walks around Calvin Crest, enjoying a climate that doesn't exist in Bakersfield. More importantly, I was able to delve deeply into my faith. We were led in discussions that made us think about our faith, and not just blindly follow a path we hadn't cut out ourselves.
I think you add more description to make it sound more interesting and use language a bit more creatively to give it that extra spazz
