"First day of the Congressional Academy" - Gtown Short Essay and U of Mich supplement

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words) -- U of Mich

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved. -- Gtown

These are two prompts I must do. I wrote one essay for both b/c I think I can interchange them but I'm hoping you guys can help me spot some revisions I might have to make to better suit one of the prompts. At first I wrote this for U of Mich but then realized that I could use for gtown. If you could tell me if it fits the gtown prompt as well then that'd be great! Thanks! Be critical too!

To my right was Alabama; to my left was California. They told me their names and where they came from but I could only remember the latter. After all, it was the first day of the Congressional Academy.

We came from across the country, two, sometimes three, from each state, bearing different accents and cultures, but we congregated in Washington D.C. under one interest: history. We were all impassioned history lovers unafraid to express opinion about our nation's controversies, and we were all in one building. From touring our national's capital to learning about its history inside the, we learned to love each other's differences and form a national community. For me, it was new a sense of belonging.

I was Oregon, or at least the "other Oregon." My degree of uniqueness was, at first, limited until I told everyone that I found the program myself. Everyone else was recommended by a teacher but I wasn't. At that moment, I felt proud to be there and even more proud when I saw my professor nod, possibly impressed by my initiative. In class, I spearheaded ideas and cited quotes from other history texts. I rang the bell first during jeopardy even when I didn't know the answer. I did everything I could do.

In the end, I felt like I set loose this caged, undying potential that could only be seen in our nation's capital. It was the feeling of importance derived from my newfound uniqueness that ignited this fervor and continues to burn to this day.

Excellent essay, but just make sure you're really answering the question. Really specify which community you belong to and what you're place is.

I thought I was specifying? The community is the Congressional Academy and my place is kind of like the "idea guy" or "initiator" haha. Thanks for input.

I like your lead, because it draws the reader in. I think your essay works well for both prompts, though maybe your conclusion could tie back into the idea of community. Perhaps you could better emphasize that the Congressional Academy was where you could really develop your potential and even possibly hint that in the UMich Community, you could pursue your goals even more.

Overall, this essay was really good and kept my attention. :) Good luck!

Thank you awkwardness!! I'll try to add onto it...I'm already at 260, haha.

Instead of this, you might want to write: I was preoccupied, because it was the first day of the Congressional Academy. (add a thesis statement here, a sentence that sums up the main message of the essay, right here at the end of the first paragraph).

It was the feeling of importance derived from my newfound uniqueness that ignited this fervor and continues to burn to this day.---too complicated
It was the feeling of importance derived from my newfound sense of purpose uniqueness that ignited this fervor and continues to burn to this day.

Thank you, Kevin. I'm wondering if i should get rid of anything though. I'll be surpassing the word limit. Is it really necessary to have the thesis even though I've been told the other paragraphs convey the message well? If it is necessary, what do you recommend I take out from my essay?

Thanks again for the input.

Well, the thing is, advice you get from me reflects my philosophy of writing. For beginning writers, it is important to take advice from someone like me so that they are not in the dark, but for you it is okay to use your own approach. You don't have to do it my way; I just tell you about my way to give you a different perspective.

But this is to sharpen the specificity of a sentence: ... I was preoccupied, because it was

And this is to sharpen the specificity of the whole essay: a sentence that sums up the main message of the essay, right here at the end of the first paragraph

So, my logic is about sharpening a piece of communication. If you sum up the message in a sentence at the end of the first para, it sharpens the communication.

But what does it mean to sharpen communication?

Anyway, the bottom line is that it is not necessary, just an idea. And if it would put you over the word count, it really is better to cut a sentence to make room.

Making Room
Actually, all your sentences are good and necessary, so you can't cut any! You would have to combine the last two sentences of the essay and make them more concise, and also make more room by making this part more concise: