"the first politics woman" - Why Wellesley Essay.. Advice?

I need advice on my Wellesley essay, please! It is due Friday, and I really want it to sound nice. Any advice is welcome. :)

Every morning until December 2009, I awoke to the voice of one of the many successful products of Wellesley College: Diane Sawyer. It is no coincidence that Diane Sawyer is one of the most well renowned television journalists in the country and has been named one of the most powerful women in America by both Ladies' Home Journal and Forbes Magazine. Neither is it a coincidence that women's college alumnae constitute more than 20% of women in Congress and 30% of Business Week's list of rising women in corporate America. Indeed, the capabilities of women are truly fostered in an environment free of gender barriers. I admire the atmosphere that Wellesley provides where women are encouraged to participate in and out of the classroom, pursue interests that are generally male dominated, and succeed at all they partake in. By attending a women's college, I know the dedication to women will strengthen, encourage, and motivate me in all of my endeavors, especially those in math, science, and engineering, more so than in any other environment. My interest in these fields and determination to make groundbreaking discoveries and pursue lifelong learning will only be enriched at an institute like Wellesley. To add, not only does Wellesley provide the benefits of a women's college, but also its renowned academics, inspiring faculty with 98% of its members in possession of a Ph.D., resources within its college connections, opportunities for research, and the W Network will provide me with the best education I can possibly hope for. At the moment, I am not looking to limit myself to a specific major because I feel my entrance into college should be an open-minded experience. However, I am confident that a liberal arts education from Wellesley will quickly lead me to the path I am meant to follow.

My desire for bringing about change necessitates a university in which the diversity of the world around me is a natural part of daily life. I am a person who seeks diversity in the hopes of generating unique ideas that stem from the varying thoughts of people from all walks of life. In turn, Wellesley's close proximity to Boston, its encouragement of international and academic variety, and the ample opportunities to study abroad will impel me to become engaged in the real world and make an impact on the city of Boston and the world outside of it. Additionally, as a liberal arts school that provides the opportunity to cross-register with additional research institutions such as MIT and Olin College of Engineering, I will have the chance to thoroughly explore my interest in math and science and expand on what I have learned at Wellesley. With the newfound additional confidence I will develop, I know that an education from Wellesley will allow me to succeed in such fields far more than an education at a coeducational institution would. A Wellesley education is not solely based on the content of the material presented in the classroom but also the environment in which it is taught. Also, with the school's many resources, I will have the opportunity to further investigate the myriad of subjects presented by the core, make connections across disciplines, and discover new passions that I will pursue at Wellesley, graduate school, and beyond. With my perseverance and desire to work diligently toward my goal of having an impact on the world, I know I will fulfill the qualifications of a true Wellesley girl.

i must say for a start this is pretty good

especially i love this line "My desire for bringing about change necessitates a university in which the diversity of the world around me is a natural part of daily life. "

however please make a few corrections:
1) and the ample opportunities to study abroad will impels me to become engaged in the real world
2) dont use informal language like build of rephrase it
3) change this Also, with the school's many resources, I have the opportunity to Also, with the school's many resources, I will have the opportunity..

4) lastly, put 1 or 2 lines about yourself ,,parallel yourself to the qualities of wellesley girl to show the admission officers that truly you are the right choice,,the true wellesley girl

goodluck

Thanks a lot! Anyone else have advice??

It is no coincidence that the first woman to be nominated by a major political party for President of the United States was Wellesley alumna Hillary Rodham Clinton. If I were the adcomm, the thoughts going through my head right now would probably be "Oh, another one of those essays. Using Hilary Clinton isn't necessarily a bad thing (although I wouldn't open with it), but it'd be very difficult to make it work. Right off the bat, it sounds like you're about to list some things that the college is known. In other words, kissing their butt. Neither is it a coincidence that college's female alumnae constitute more than 20% of women in Congress and 30% of Business Week's list of rising women in c orporate America. And that is exactly what I meant. Just as you shouldn't list out your achievements on an essay, you don't need to remind the college of all the wonderful things they have accomplished. They already know. A simple fix could be to use a different, but equally as effective, female to start or even another aspect of feminism, specifically strength and leadership etc., Or you can immediately intrigue the adcomm into reading your essay by starting with something seemingly unassociated with what you are about to talk about, but finding a creative way to transition and tie it into your essay. Because why would you want to continue reading something if from the first line you already know the basic gist of what's about to be said. It's almost like giving away an ending. An example of a very effective first line would be Stephen King's (and I hardly ever use King as examples nowadays. But he used to be good.) essay entitled "Why We Crave Horror Movies". The first line is "I believe we are all mentally insane." Now that's a damn good opening line. Don't you want to continue reading? Now this isn't to say that you should write just any outlandish statement as an intro, but the central idea is there. Begin with something memorable. And end the essay with something memorable also. Let's see if you do (I'm adding comments as I read)No, in reality,Indeed, women contain a special ability ( be specific) that is elicited - awkward word choice by this environment free of gender barriers - I have no clue what you are trying to say here. Do you mean that Wellesley has no gender barriers? Then say something more straightforward. Your phrasing was very awkward and ambiguous. Go for clarity as opposed to an attempt at eloquence. . In an atmosphere where women are encouraged to participate, succeed, and pursue (again, specifics would make this stronger. Something concrete. Pursue what? Succeed in what? , women achieve more than they would have ever been led to believe - awkward . By attending a women's college, I know the dedication to women will strengthen, encourage, and motivate me in all of my endeavors, especially those in math, science, and engineering, more so than in any other environment. To add, not only does Wellesley provide the benefits of a women's college, but also its renowned academics, inspiring faculty with 98% of its members in possession of a Ph.D., resources, opportunities, and the W Network will provide me with the best education I can possibly hope for. - More unnecessary listing. They know all this. End the paragraph with some sort of concluding statement that will make clear what you are writing. Almost like a thesis, eh?

Some sort of a transition would be nice. A sentence to build off of the last and leading into this. Not completely necessary in this case actually. It flows fairly well on its ownMy desire for bringing about change necessitates a university in which the diversity of the world around me is a natural part of daily life. - Good subject and topic for the paragraph. Expand on it Wellesley proves to be the ideal place for me to make connections across disciplines and find a way to introduce them to the world Be more concrete. Otherwise this sentence seems like filler . Wellesley's close proximity to Boston, its encouragement of international and academic variety, and the ample opportunities to study abroad will impel me to become engaged in the real world and make an impact on the city of Boston and the world outside of it. Additionally, as a liberal arts school that provides the opportunity to cross-register with additional research institutions such as MIT and Olin College of Engineering, I will have the chance to thoroughly explore my interest in math and science and build off of what I have learned at Wellesley. With the inadvertent - wrong word choice. Inadvertent means "unintended"...which kind of makes the phrase "inadvertent confidence" somewhat of an oxy-moron. confidence I will develop as one of the many benefits of a women's college, I know that an education from Wellesley will allow me to succeed in such fields far more than an education elsewhere would Oh, really? Then why bother applying anywhere else? Such a superlative statement isn't needed - it's just more kissassery" . A Wellesley education is not solely based on the content of the material presented in the classroom but also the environment in which it is taught. Also, with the school's many resources, I have the opportunity to further investigate the myriad of subjects presented by the core, combined disciplines, and discover new passions that I will pursue at Wellesley, graduate school, and beyond. This paragraph is one big list of what makes Wellesley a college of choice. Even then, it just sounds like any generic college brochure that you've gotten in the mail about this college or that college.

The biggest issue I found with this essay is that there is no concreteness - meaning using examples from your own personality or life or experiences. It almost seems as if you were looking at a brochure for Wellesley as you were writing this essay. It's a list of what makes Wellesley amazing. I don't know anything about you! That's what's most important in this essay. Be memorable.

Other comments:
Needs to conclude.
Technically speaking, grammar and punctuation aren't too much of an issue. Word choice and phrasing here and there, but not too often
Prose is lacking in style and voice.

Overall, I say it's not a bad draft. You have the ideas down. Now you need to put in details - concrete details. Still a couple days left. You can do it!

Good stuff.

Best!
Andrew

Wow, Andrew! So much advice! Thank you so much. I tried to fix it.. this is what I came up with. This is my 14th application, and it's really getting harder and harder to write these essays (even though it may seem like it would get easier!). But, I tried! What do you think?

I agree with what Andrew said about your other draft, even though this one is more detailed I think it has parts that need to be changed. The first thing I see is your 2 & 3 sentences; these are too off the topic (I meant they are unnecessary and they don't work well with the opening sentence which I think was great!)

Now, your transitions need more attention because when reading I thought it was getting more common-"one of those essays."

You usually use "lists" of things which gets your essay into the same sentence structure through the whole thing. Limit these.

"At the moment, I am not looking to limit myself to a specific major because I feel my entrance into college should be an open-minded experience. However, I am confident that a liberal arts education from Wellesley will quickly lead me to the path I am meant to follow." This is a great sentence try to use more of these...

Try to eliminate some of the sentences of Wellesley this Wellesley that...Use "I" in those sentences...

Overall it is a great essay!
Good Luck!

Can you check mine please?