"my first stock at the age of thirteen" - Business Transfer Essay (UIUC)

Hey, so I'm planning to transfer to UIUC Business for my junior year. It is really competitive to get into, and applications live or die on the essay. This essay needs to be perfect, so please, if you can find any errors or let me know how I can make it better I would really appreciate it!

ESSAY: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/former institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

Ever since I bought my first stock at the age of thirteen, I've had a profound passion for the financial markets. My lifelong goals have always been to manage my own hedge fund and learn as much as possible about the financial market phenomena at a University fostering academic excellence. I strongly believe that the University of Illinois's Finance Program can provide unparalleled education and ample resources to aspiring money managers. The various finance related clubs, internship opportunities, study abroad locations, and impressive list of highly competent professors absolutely captivate me. Illinois also participates in the Tulane Trading Competition, which really interests me. I would strive to participate in the competition as it would be a pivotal time in my development as a finance student and burgeoning money manager. No other University in the state of Illinois provides such a rich domain for which I am passionate in. Reflecting on the experiences at my current institution, I've learned that education is a holistic process, not only one taught within the classroom. True academic excellence is collaborating with peers who share similar values, interests, and ethics to achieve common goals. Through hard work and determination, I've maintained an outstanding GPA amid immersing myself in multiple clubs and the Golden Key Honors Society-I know what it takes to be a successful student and leader. The ability for me to involve myself in such a scholarly community and express my thoughts and ideas with motivated students and professors who share my passions and values, is what motivates me most to pursue a higher education at Illinois. Illinois is the next step in my educational journey, and I believe that my genuine motivations paired with the vast amount of resources Illinois's Finance Program provides will indubitably lead me to become successful in achieving my career and educational goals.

Hi there!

We've written some posts on transfer essays on our blog which you should check out. Here's my quick feedback on your essay:

-This fails to convince me:

"Ever since I bought my first stock at the age of thirteen, I've had a profound passion for the financial markets. My lifelong goals have always been to manage my own hedge fund and learn as much as possible about the financial market phenomena at a University fostering academic excellence."

Define your career vision if you want to show you're ready to hit the ground running. Where do you want to work? Tell us more about the hedge fund--what do you think goes into building that kind of organization and how do you get there? Bushy-tailed doesn't work with this kind of incredible, lofty career ambition.

-Get specific and avoid the complimentary, sycophantic language that makes your essay sound inauthentic ('unparalleled education! impressive list of highly competent professors!')

"I strongly believe that the University of Illinois's Finance Program can provide unparalleled education and ample resources to aspiring money managers. The various finance related clubs, internship opportunities, study abroad locations, and impressive list of highly competent professors absolutely captivate me. Illinois also participates in the Tulane Trading Competition, which really interests me. I would strive to participate in the competition as it would be a pivotal time in my development as a finance student and burgeoning money manager."

The trading competition stuff is great, but the other content needs to get more specific. What about specific professors' work? What about internship or study abroad programs? What's your vision for your career?

-Avoid getting too axiomatic.

"True academic excellence is collaborating with peers who share similar values, interests, and ethics to achieve common goals."

Instead, SHOW how you have proven these values in your studies. How have you really put your education in action and taken a more holistic approach at your current university? We want to show that you are a driven leader that just needs a stronger platform and training ground. Steep your argument in concrete facts and evidence.

Just my quick thoughts...hope they help! Just remember to get specific and get to the heart of your story. With a little more development, this essay can humanize you and really aid your candidacy.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

This is nicely written, but it is general stuff that you could say about almost any school. It would be great if you could expound a plan that involves the specific resources and professors at this school. What makes this school better than similar options?

No other University in the state of Illinois provides such a rich domain for which I am passionate in. ----oh, I see... this is geting specific now. You want to remain in IL, and this school has all the others beat. That is pretty good.

Reinforce the message of this essay by stating 5 or 6 specific goals you have for the next 2 years. Show that you are being proactive about gaining expertise.

:-)