"full of changes" - UIUC Transfer Essay

Hey, I would really appreciate it if anyone could skim through my essay for any errors, or give me some recommendations, etc. I am applying as a transfer student to the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign's Business school. I don't know anybody who can look over my essay at my current school, so I came here :). Here are the essay's guidelines:

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

While review of your academic qualifications is of major focus, the two essays you complete in the application offer a better indication of why you want to study business at the University of Illinois and the goals you have for your future. Your statements should include:

* Interest or experience in business
* Employment or volunteer activities
* State or national recognition for talent, creative ability, leadership, or academic achievement
* An ethnic or cultural background or an age group that will add diversity to this campus
* Extenuating circumstances that significantly affected an otherwise exceptionally good academic record
* Any other information that you feel would complete your profile

This past year has been full of changes; changes in my life, in my plan for the future, and perhaps most significantly, changes in my very self. Upon graduating from high school, I began to really think about what my priorities were in life. I was now entering a stage of life that would determine my entire future; college. Never before have I had such a burning desire to achieve academically. Academics quickly became my number one priority in life. Since I was a child, I've been interested in business. My uncle is an entrepreneur, and I frequently translate the emails from his clients in Germany. I've had an in depth look at how his business functions, and I must say that I love it. My dream is to follow the footsteps of my uncle and become the owner of a successful business. The single most important factor needed to attain my dreams and desires is an exceptional education. However, Illinois State University is not what I had expected it to be. Simply put, students do not have such strong desires or motivations as I do. I want to study at a university with students just like myself: intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse. I am currently majoring in International Business and German at Illinois State University, and have been to Germany several times. I would definitely add to the diversity of the student body considering that my family is of German descent and I am fluent in the language. The recent changes in my life and values can be seen on my excellent college record, and I would continue to succeed academically at the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign. Nothing would make me prouder than succeeding at a university that both my uncle and grandfather attended.

Well, now you do, and we're glad to have you! Sorry it took me so long to respond.

Replace that first semi-colon with a dash -- because a dash is like a dramatic pause. A semi-colon sort of works like a period.

Oh, I se here you misused a semi-colon again. This time, it should be a colon, because a colon means "more to come."

would determine my entire future: college.

Never before have I had such a burning desire to achieve academically. Academics quickly became my number one priority in life.----> right here, the second sentence should say something to substantiate the claim made in the first sentence -- instead of saying the same thing in a different way, redundantly.

It's cool that you speak German! Talk a little about how learning to think in two languages gives you perspective, and you deeply understand how to transcend language barriers and help others to do the same!

This is great stuff. Maybe you should go help some other people with their essays and ask them to return the favor, so you can get more perspectives than just mine. Kind regards!