'the Flight Manual was learned' - Commonapp the risk you have taken

CommonApplication essay."Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."-prompt.

Essay is about 530 words. So please help me cut it to 500. Also, I think there are spelling and grammatical errors. I would appreciate any help.

I was not trying to repeat and remember all the techniques and theory I had learned before. My movements were automated; my reaction was excellent; the Flight Manual was learned word for word. In general, I had a very strong training, but the fears did not leave me.

I was not confident in my abilities, but I strongly decided to tackle this challenge.

"Test for braveness",-I thought. Some bad spirit was creating obstacles to prevent my success:
"You accepted this challenge? You so brave? Maybe change in aircraft will confuse you?"
The fact that I was planned to fly LA-160 instead of my LA-159 astonished me. LA"Unsafe"160 has gained considerable notoriety for its unreliable engine. Putting throttle to the minimum may lead to stopped engine. Would I be able to accept this challenge and succeed?

"Are you ready for independent flight without me?",-my instructor asked.
"No, I am not ready", - I frankly, as a pilot must, said. I felt instructor's hand tapping on my shoulder and smiled.

"If I believe in you, then you should believe too", - he said. Swiftly gaining confidence in my abilities, I took one step forward to aircraft. My instructor briefly told me the basic differences between aircrafts and wished good luck.

Landing is the art for the pilot. It is a masterpiece as Mona Lisa is. People admire "Mona Lisa" painting of Leonardo DaVinci. Landing makes the same pleasure for pilot as Mona Lisa does for people.

"I am the Maker now and I must create my own Mona Lisa, my Pieta, my Rachmaninoff's third", -I was motivated.
Only I, my fear and sandbag in the cockpit.
"La-159, ready for take-off"
"La-159, wind 70 at 6, cleared for takeoff".
Flaps to take-off position, throttle on maximum, brakes off. 100 km/h and I am in the air. The only difference is that the sandbag, sitting right to me, was not talkative. So I began to tell him different stuff and sing the songs to calm myself. The thought that sandbag cannot correct my faults was making me nervous.

"Some shaking turbulence will diminish your courage!", - the bad spirit said.
When I was approaching the landing, another aircraft appeared in front of me. Its crew apparently was practicing imitation of turned off engine. That's why circle for them was shortly and they cut me on the way.

"LA-162, see the aircraft approaching to landing?"
"LA-162, yes"
"Go-around",
Immediately after LA-162 went around my aircraft stalled on wing. The first thought I was came up with is that there is a problem with engine. The idea of a forced landing flashed into my mind. Then I realized that the cause why I stalled was the wake turbulence. Propeller of LA-162 was the source of turbulence. I balanced my aircraft with unknown equanimity. Only on the land I realized it might lead to crash. It is the only reason why there are breaks between aircrafts' take-offs and landings in an airports.

I truly understand what it is like when the fear binds you. I saw many peer cadets who were stricken by the power of fear. I proved to myself that I am not that one.

It's a pretty good essay, but the word limit is 500. Maybe you could try taking out the very first part and directly skip to the experience?


Is the bad grammar supposed to be there? As in, exactly how it was said?


I don't think there has to be a hyphen between the comma and the "my instructor asked", I'm not sure though.


He told you the differences between "the" aircrafts sounds better, in my opinion, but I could be wrong.


It's a good sentence, but the three of you "were" in the cockpit, since it's in the past.


This is too informal, try "things" instead.


Is "the" really appropriate here?


Just a correction, you say "that the sandbag" not "that sandbag"


Rewording for better flow.


I don't get this part, perhaps you should reword it?


You should say "the" LA-162.


No need for was.


Perhaps it could be reworded to: Then I realized that I stalled because of the wake turbulence or something of the sort? It doesn't seem bad as it is, though.


Rewording

Don't take my comment in the wrong sense, it's a pretty good essay and I'm trying to help.
Good luck :D

... the Flight Manual was learned word for word. ---this is the "passive voice." It does not sound as powerful as the active voice:

I had learned the flight manual word-for-word.

In general, I had a very strong training, but the fears fear did not leave me.---I just like it more this way, so I suggested it. : )

Less is always more in writing. If you can express the same idea in fewer words, do it. In fact, we can even apply this principle to a single letter:

I was not confident in my abilities ability, but I strongly decided to tackle this ...---fewer words and letters burden the reader with fewer codes to descramble, and more of the reader's present-moment attention is left for the EXPERIENCE you are providing.

Suggestion: Try to condense this essay so that it takes up only 50% of the space it now takes. All the way through, I know it is a common type of essay, a story about overcoming fear. If I got to make the decision, I would want you to condense it and add a new dimension. Condense it to 50% of the words, and you will have room to actually use this insight as a jumping-off point for a discussion of your plan for the future, for your time in this school, and for the way you will use this insight about fear when you make your big splash in this world.