"a follower and listener" - Personal Statement-Purdue -Qualities of a good leader

Hello there! I wrote this essay and I am pretty sure its not that good, that is why I need your help!
The title of the essay is: What are the qualities of a good leader? Use examples from your personal experiences to illustrate your particular leadership style. Any help would be really appreciated! Thanks a million!

A leader is not someone to be served like a king but a consistent follower and listener. A modern leader is not someone who we believed a typical renaissance aristocrat leader who monopolized the decision making but someone who encourages empowerment respects majority ideas, flexible, fair and many other selfless goals oriented.

I am a sportsman and family oriented person. Being a team player and learns to live in group environment, I do excel in sports and was voted as most valuable player for more than a year. This probes that I got some qualities of a leader yet and has a capacity to grow more and be one of the ideal leader in a modern way.

During my time as a team captain of my specialized sport (basketball), I manage to bring my school into the limelight's by winning an inter school sports tournament. This is not the best thing I did but to bring my team into one spirit and enhance sportsmanship and camaraderie regardless of our faith and culture. I came from multinational academes which challenges you on dealing with different colors and norms. Modesty aside I did unite all my teams due to my effort and values which my family a great impact on my transformation from childhood to adolescent.

I love my family and being a Christian Arabic person I learn the values of respect, self reliance, thoughtfulness, and perseverance. I felt and I can justify that I am a born leader because it never shows on my actions and result not only in school but in my family and friends as well.

I never had that attitude of being the number one or someone who decides for everyone but leading and guiding everyone in a common great goals and having selfless interest and this made me sure that I could be one of the leaders who ever defines it.

it's not bad.
Give more detail on your experience.
-a situation
-a moment you showed your leadership skills
-what have you done as a Christian Arabic to show leadership
-who were you on the basketball team (how did people view you)
-compare yourself to a famous leader
-how have you influences other people

Hi Moe:

The writers at college-admission-essay-help selected your short answer for a full rewrite.

Below is your rewrite with our editor's comments.

As a Christian Arabic person, I value a leader who encourages empowerment and respects the opinions of others. Truly great leaders learn from their peers and listen to new ideas. They are flexible and fair, and they value the unique characteristics and opinions of others.

As the captain of my school basketball team, I was voted the most valuable player for more than a year. While I excel in sports and helped my team to win an important tournament, I feel I earned this honor for more than my skills on the court. I have never had the attitude that I was "number one" or that I was someone who decided for everyone. Instead, I worked hard to support my teammates and enhance sportsmanship and camaraderie within the team, regardless of the players' faiths and cultures. In fact, my international upbringing has shown me that different skin colors and social norms can offer great opportunities for learning and growing as a team. I pride myself on uniting the members of my team in pursuit of a common goal.

Great leaders are never fully-formed. They continue to learn from others, to grow as individuals, and to strive for improvement. I'm proud of my existing leadership qualities, and I'm certain that I have the capacity to continue to improve my skills. Someday, I hope to be a great leader in our modern world.

The essay editor's comments:

The introduction to the original Purdue application essay defined what a leader is not, but it did not provide a clear idea of what a leader really is. The writer used many great vocabulary words but didn't get his or her point across. Feel free to show off your vocabulary in an admissions essay, but always make sure you keep clear communication as your top goal.

While the information about this writer's family that was included in the original is both interesting and inspiring, it is not on topic. When writing a college admissions essay, it's essential that you offer information that is relevant to the question.

Be careful to avoid sounding boastful. This writer claimed the basketball victory for himself, rather than for his entire team.

This essay could benefit from another specific example. The writer could offer evidence of his or her leadership skills in an academic setting as well.

Best of luck.