Here are some of my thoughts about the essay and prompt and my first impressions:
---- I'm starting to write about how my barber influenced me in certain ways.
---- I want to emphasize how his simplistic view of life had an impact on me, and essentially made me view my own life and the decisions I make through a larger perspective.
---- I also want to emphasize the relationship he had with his customers and how I recognized that as a barber he was bridge connecting and spreading ideas from one customer to another -- an integral yet small facet to our community.
---- I want to personalize this essay more also, which I think the first draft is lacking.
---- I also might need some better transitions.
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
First draft:
I've gotten used to his cigarette-smelling hands flowing through my hair. It has been 6 years now that I've been going to Frank's barbershop. "Frankie Vegas" reads his signature on a napkin adjacent to the mirror that I always casually stare into while he cuts away. The man's eyes are worn out and faded; his enfeebled look only supplemented by his well-receded hairline. Nevertheless, I have always found Frank to be a very specific type of wise -- not in a sacred and enchanting sense, but in a more experienced and knowledgeable manner. One glance could tell you that the man had been through a lot, but he never talked much about his personal grievances.
Frank is a raconteur of excellent sorts. One hundred percent fiction and jocose are his stories, but they are good-natured and have duped my father and I numerous times during our visits. It seems that his favorite tale to tell was his grand adventure in the 1980 Winter Olympics: he skied his way straight into the famed halls of disqualification after he raced into a tree. Now, after many more haircuts, I realize that Frank's fables were in no way deep and did not contain a hidden meaning that I was meant to decipher. They were simply small talk conversations to keep us entertained and appreciative. I'm not surprised with this though, Frank knows how to keep his customers content exceptionally well, he sometimes even becomes friendly with them. I've even noticed that Frank knows every single one of his customers on a first name basis. In fact, he doesn't even remember my father's last name. Yet, Frank was well aware of the line separating professionalism and friendship. He was sincere with his work no matter how simplistic it seemed, and never became too comfortable with someone, always turning down invitations from some for a quick beer or bite to eat. His nature was quite reputable, and I've always been impressed by his behavior with his customers -- always respectful and never intrusive.
Some might say that there is only so much one can learn from a man who chops and buzzes hair on a daily basis. But what I have taken from my experiences with Frank delineate a respect for people that I couldn't have better learned anywhere else. His teachings are on a wide spectrum as well: from how to tell a facetious story that can keep people talking for hours to how to treat the people who you service.
From any angle, Frank's occupation is rather simple. But viewing how he works using a larger lens exposes the true amount of sincerity it takes to be a successful worker. From a young age, I've my dream job has always consisted of wearing a suit daily and working at the top of a massive skyscraper. Frank taught me that my dreams were superficial. He taught me that if I wanted to be esteemed and successful, I needed to appreciate what was around me first and then excel in my work.
Thanks to anyone for their help, it's really appreciated and it will help me perfect my college essay -- which I really need to do!
I thought you essay was very interested and I was impressed all the way through. One small issue i noticed was in the final paragraph.
From a young age, i've my dream job has always consisted of wearing a suit daily and working at the top of a massive skyscraper.
You're a wonderful writer! Keep it up!
I'm not surprised by this though, as Frank knows how to keep his customers content exceptionally well, and he sometimes even becomes friendly with them.
I've even noticed that Frank knows every single one of his customers on a first name basis.
...from how to tell a facetious story that can keep people talking for hours, to how to treat the people who you service.
From a young age, I've my dream job has always consisted of wearing a suit daily and working at the top of a massive skyscraper.
I hope your dream includes being a writer, as you seem like a natural at it. Good luck in school.
:)
You are a wonderful writer indeed!
The essay flows nicely, and I absolutely love the conclusion.
I've never been too great at conclusions, or even writing.. so I have to say I'm pretty jealous. Haha.
Also, the subject for the topic is unique, so that's always a plus. I'm sure not too many people thought of writing about their barbers for their college apps :p
I'm just not quite sure what purpose the "doesn't even remember my father's last name" bit serves in the essay though. I feel like that could be left off?
But that's just me, an amateur at best at critiquing hehe :p
