It's kinda weird. Please tell me how it sounds to you. Need feedback. Urgent!
I am a free bird; I love diversity. I want to celebrate Nowruz. I want to attend a Halloween costume party. I want to participate in gay pride parade. I want to learn French. I want to study the bible. I want to eat Chinese food in an American university with a bunch of Indian friends. Yale, having a very diverse student body, will help me do all that. I am free bird; Yale is my sky.
HELP HELP HELP!
Well, it's certainly creative enough. But it's not enough about Yale. Yeah, there's diversity, but what else? What else is uniquely Yale? There should be more than one reason.
If you have time, I'd love for you to critique my Yale supplement as well, especially the "What do you wish you were better at?" Thank you!
Its very good, but I think you should talk more about Yale's unique acadamic programs or clubs.
REVISED VERSION!
How does this sound?
I want to celebrate Nowruz. I want to attend a Halloween costume party. I want to participate in a gay pride parade. I want to learn French. I want to study the bible. I want to eat Chinese food in an American university with a bunch of Indian friends. Yale, having a very diverse student body, will help me do all that. The Yale ISO will give me a chance to get to know people from different countries with different languages and beliefs. I love diversity. I am free bird; Yale is my sky.
I'm not sure if you have enough characters for this but you should replace "I am a free bird;Yale is my sky" with "I am a free bird and Yale is my sky."
It's certainly better but I feel like it could use more about Yale, once again.
I want to celebrate Nowruz. I want to attend a Halloween costume party. I want to participate in a gay pride parade. I want to learn French. I want to study the Bible. I want to eat Chinese food with a bunch of Indian friends. Yale, having a very diverse student body, will help me do all that. The Yale ISO and the residential colleges will give me a chance to get to know people from different countries with different languages and beliefs. I love diversity. I am a free bird; Yale is my sky.
Now? I even added the residential colleges
Much better.
Good luck on your application!
I'm not sure how the AOs would feel about these many "I want" but they don't sound very appealing to me..
