I just wrote an essay for admission into an entrepreneurial community at my college, and I was wondering if you all would read it and give me some advice and criticism!
Prompt : What talents would you bring to the community?
As a child, I started a lemonade stand on the sidewalk of my residential neighborhood. I didn't have any customers, and it was evident that I didn't have the fierce tenacity to succeed with my first business. To cope with my disappointment, I watched my favorite sitcom "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", starring popular actor and producer Will Smith. At the time, I was unaware of the determination, persistence, and passion that Will Smith possessed. However, a few years ago, I stumbled upon a quote by Smith, "It's unrealistic to think you're going to bend a piece of metal and fly people over an ocean, but fortunately the Wright Brother's didn't believe that." Essentially, this quote awakened my entrepreneurial spirit. I am captivated by the possibility of breaking the status quo and creating my own venture. I believe this kind of relentless passion is needed in such a community. As the captain of my high school tennis team, I have developed the qualities of a leader and a strong work ethic; I want to challenge my peers to succeed. Regarding skillsets, I am an action-orientated person who is interested in mobile application development and websites. To this very day, "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" is still one of my favorite sitcoms, but I am ready to take on more challenging ventures than a simple lemonade stand.
Thanks a lot!
Ok... so, what do we have for proof that you spirit got awakened.... Nothing much is said about how you became successful with your entrepreneur skills.... Just mentioning that you captained the Tennis team is not very convincing. You need to tell them your experiences in which you applied this quote. How your determination, persistence and passion drove you towards success.
