Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
It was the summer leading into my junior year and I had just turned sixteen. I decided that wanted to start paying for my own things rather than having my parents support me, and it was never too early or too late to start saving money for college and driving lessons. Tropical Smoothie Café had just opened and I was hired as part of the first crew. It wasn't your typical fast food restaurant; were very personal towards customers, we even used their names. I had put myself in an environment with many people younger and older than I, and I learned how to cooperate with them. Over time I developed deep friendships with my co-workers who I had not known before I started working, we were like family. Now after a year has passed, I still cherish these friendships and have a better idea of what the real world is like.
Does this seem boring? I put more emphasis on what I learned from it than the actual job itself. Also, does it suffer from vagueness, repetition, clichés, egotism, or over-intricate vocabulary? (I'm just reading off a list of common mistakes)
How did you become interested in WPI?
(IMGD stand for Interactive Media and Game Development)
I had heard only good things about WPI and after researching it online I was impressed to say the least. I noticed the IMGD program and it amazed me how perfect a match this would be for my interest of making video games. I was astounded after reading about the attention from Curt Schilling and other gaming companies; I knew I had to visit. After touring the beautiful campus, seeing the IMGD computer labs, and meeting the hospitable alumni, I knew that this was the only college for me. I am prepared to commit myself to WPI because I know that when I graduate, it would have set me up with a good job and a good life for me and my future family.
I hope to give a strong impression that I really want to go and have done my research. Also, check for vagueness, not answering the question, a materialistic tone, and an over-privileged tone.
Thanks for any feedback! =)
I had decided that I wanted to start ...
Tropical Smoothie Café had just opened, and I was hired as part of the first crew.
It wasn't your typical fast food restaurant, as we were very personal towards customers, even using their names.
I had put myself into an environment ...
Over time, I developed deep friendships...
I think it says a lot about your personality, the fact that at such a young age you were so mature and responsible!
I have heard only good things about WPI, and after researching it online I was impressed, to say the least.
I noticed the IMGD program, and it amazed me how perfect a match this would be for my interest in making video games. How about 'designing' or 'creating' video games?
I was astounded after reading about the attention from Curt Schilling and other gaming companies; I knew I had to visit. This sentence could stand to be revised for clarity.
... I graduate, it would have prepared me for a good job and a good life for myself and my future family.