"My future college experience" - on Application to UF

"In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. "

Anddd enjoy the essay below *note, << not part of the essay =]*

Each person has some quirk that makes them completely unique. These discrepancies aren't always noticeable, but sometimes they are blatantly expressed; like the guitar player who sticks a piece of tape on his guitar and writes in black Sharpie: "This machine kills Fascists." I never really knew what made me so different until last spring, when I was accepted to the 2009 Sailing Outward Bound Program. At first, I thought it would be fun, and easy. I don't believe any of the chosen participants thought it would be a difficult or challenging experience. Within the first two days, we were all clearly proven wrong. Six students and two young adults on a thirty foot sail boat for eight days; I learned to rely on my intelligence, resourcefulness, and organizational skills to survive traveling sixty miles on the Atlantic. My knowledge of sailing was minimal at best, but by day four I was capable of doing what a year of sailing would have taught me. I discovered how to work together with my group to surpass any obstacles; whether it was trying to free the boat from being wedged in shallow waters, or brainstorming about the possible ways to transport an injured shipmate back on the boat (in the end, the 'victim' was floated over on a raft constructed of oars and lifejackets). Not only was the trip a physical challenge, it provided profound concepts and enlightenment. Each night, our boat would raft with the other convoy, and we ate and had discussions together. The instructors would ask us questions that really brought out each individual's personality and opinions. Before this venture, I never realized how much people respected and highly valued my ideas and leadership. Fellow shipmates and instructors both eagerly listened to my thoughts, and came to me for advice. During the last two days of our "Final", in which the instructors stepped back and the students were responsible for making the journey home, I was elected Captain. The Captain was in charge of organizing roles, and overseeing most aspects of the plan to return. I believe that my experience facing the unknowns on the ocean is similar to how my experience in university will be. I want to establish the same bonds of fellowship and cooperate with others to use available resources and develop my skills. I can use the determination and optimism I had to succeed in Outward Bound at UF, and be as much a part of the student community as possible. I'd like to further investigate my leadership abilities and earn the right to be admired and liked on campus. Though it will involve more responsibility, time, and independent thinking than a trip across the sea, I am prepared to ensure that my college experience embraces and overcomes every difficulty I come across on my journey.

Somehow the second sentence is a bit confusing for me. In the first two sentences, you talk about uniqueness and in the third, about how you discover your uniqueness in the Program. Yet, I do not get the answer of 'what is your uniqueness then?' in the rest of your essay. Is it the leadership? I do not think it is that 'unique'. Somehow I think your first two sentences are disconnected from the rest.

But you have a strong story there!

^All of this is boring, particularly the first few sentences because they are just general statements.


^I think you start off with this, you have a more effective and direct opening, therefore can be more interesting as well. However, I do not see how working together has taught you to surpass ANY obstacles. 'Any' is a bit too broad and bold of a word here.

I think your ending is quite strong actually. However, the middle part is quite weak because you have just made statements that would require a bit more analysis and explanation so that your the validity of such statements can be justified.

For example:


^What do you mean by this?

There are similar examples in your essay. Expand and develop these points.

Each person has some quirk that makes them completely unique. These discrepancies aren't always noticeable, but sometimes they are blatantly expressed; like the guitar player who sticks a piece of tape on his guitar and writes in black Sharpie: "This machine kills Fascists."

The opening two sentences don't relate with the rest of your essay