Gambia to Georgia -- entrepreneur in the resturaunt business.

i have started writing this up but not sure if its good i need help fixing it up or how to write a good bio.

My name is, an American Born in Gambia in 1982, was raised by his mother, in the Gambia.
Raymond graduated from Methodist Academy High school ion 2001 studying Art major. He traveled to the U.S in 2003
And stared working at a pizza place called Domino's Pizza. He gained experience there and decided to open his own business one day.
Soon after, he graduated in 2005 with a 2 year Business Marketing degree From Asworth College in Atlanta Georgia.
In 2008 I took a 3 month course in Restaurant and hospitality management at Asworth College.
In early 2009 my family and I opened a restaurant called brown pizza and Deli at the heart of brusibi turn table in the Gambia. Brown's Pizza & Deli is a family-oriented business, founded by the Brown family in Banjul, The Gambia. At Brown's Pizza & Deli, we owe much of our success to several fundamental rules established in the beginning from which we operate today: Always use the finest ingredients. Never change ingredients simply to get the cheapest price. Only serve pizza, salads and submarine sandwiches that we are proud of. Hire the best people. Promote team players and cooperation. Give the customer exceptional quality, service, cleanliness and a teamwork environment. For the future, Brown's Pizza & Deli is planning to expand its presence in various parts of Banjul. This will enable Brown's Pizza & Deli to work towards our life long goal of nation wide pizza domination.

My name is xxxxx xxxxxxx, and I am an American who was born in Gambia in 1982 and raised by his mother.

Well, you have to decide if you want to write it about yourself or if you want it to be written from the third person perspective.

You should write:

Raymond Brown is an American who was born in Gambia in 1982 and raised by his mother. He graduated from Methodist Academy High school in 2001 after having studied as an Art major. Raymond traveled to the U.S in 2003 and stared working at a pizza place called Domino's Pizza. He gained experience there and decided ...

In early 2009, Raymond and his family and I opened a restaurant, called Brown Pizza and Del i, at the heart of Brusibi turn table in the Gambia.

I hope that helps!

Please give us the instructions you are writing for. (I know it's for college)

I don't know if its just me but I would consider writing an autobiographical piece in the third person a little ridiculous. It would sound like you are one of those people who always refers to themselves in the 3rd person. "George is getting upset!"

It just depends on what the prompt was. Maybe you should talk about your new major and how the experiences with your restaurant business made you want to get into that subject. (I assume you are reapplying to college?) But we are groping in the dark here so tell us what college, major/program this is for and give us those instructions! :)

Definitely go with the first person, unless you have been specifically instructed to do otherwise. You might want to connect up some of your sentences and use some transitions to get rid of the point-form feel your essay now has. Beyond that, it seems to be shaping up nicely, though, as Tyler said, it would be nice to have more background in order to give you better advice.

Thank it helped alot...!!!