This is what i have so far for my Common App essay. Please tell me what you think. :Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Throughout my eighteen years of life, I would have never anticipated that I would be in this situation. Not for the first time either, but for the third. As I stare at the computer screen, rereading those two words over and over again, I begin to reply back.
"I'm gay", stated my younger brother.
"I still love you", I typed, hoping he knew I meant every word.
Accepting that my younger brother, Jody, is gay was never a problem for me. He and I are the closest out of all our other siblings, sharing almost everything with each other. Even our names are one in the same. I was nervous though about Jody coming out to our family and friends. Just because I am open to who he is, I could not assume everyone else would be as well. Most of our family members had no problems with it; my mother and sisters even stated that they knew all along. My little brother was relieved but also still fearful, for he does not want his own mother to find out just yet.
You see, Jody is my half-brother. We have the same father (also named Jody), but different mothers. My mom sees him as her own son, and would accept any of us for who we truly are. Jody's mother, however, is an entirely different story. We fear she will be a lot less understanding and accepting.
I think this is a good start but you should talk more about you. Admissions wants to see who you are and what you did in the situation, not who your brother is.
Thanks for reading. I am going to add more about myself, I just needed to know if I had a good beginning.
-I'll help with yours. :)
Throughout my eighteen years of life, I would have never anticipated that I would be in this situation. Not for the first time either, but for the third. As I stare at the computer screen, rereading those two words over and over again, I begin to reply back.
"I'm gay", stated my younger brother.
"I still love you", I typed, hoping he knew I meant every word
The opening is very impressive! Everyone would want to read on and this is very important for an application essay~
Go on and reflect more about youself, you'll do a great job!
Please grammar-check mine, thx thx
The essay is nice in its simplicity, but talk more about how his situation has impacted you as a person.
Please help with my Pomona essay, thanks
Wrote more, but I'm stuck on the conclusion. Please read over.
Throughout my eighteen years of life, I would have never anticipated that I would be in this situation. Not for the first time either, but for the third. As I stare at the computer screen, rereading those two words over and over again, I begin to reply back.
"I'm gay", stated my younger brother.
"I still love you", I typed, hoping he knew I meant every word.
Accepting that my younger brother, Jody, is gay was never a problem for me. He and I are the closest out of all our other siblings, sharing almost everything with each other. Even our names are one in the same. I was nervous though about Jody coming out to our family and friends. Just because I am open to who he is I could not assume everyone else would be as well. Most of our family members had no problem with it; my mother and sisters even stated that they knew all along.
Some friends and students from school, on the other hand, were not as kind. They would deliberately make hurtful comments when my brother was in hearing distance, and even try to talk him out of "his way of life." At times, these comments would force me to question how i feel with having someone so close to me be gay. Is sexuality something that should even be talked about in public, or should I just turn my head to what others may say or think?
In the end, I came to realize that it is not I or Jody who should be second guessing how they feel but they should be for making such ignorant, hurtful statements. My brother is happy and proud with who he is, and so am I. Jody has showed me the world in a new light: that it is okay to be different (strange), not to give in to what others think, and to always be true to yourself. Jody became a spark of hope to others who have had their on flames distinguished.
I learned that during your teenage years your mind in still a sponge, absorbing whatever it deems important; usually what is repeated often is considered valuable.
I really like your essay!
it shows how you are open minded and shows the readers who you are and how you think!
you have definitely come a long way from your first draft!!
Grammar check mine?
plz ^_^
Sorry for the late reply shereen85. Thanks for reading my essay. :)
I would grammar check your essay but I don't see a link to your paper.
Overall I like your essay but towards the end you should speak more on the situation or about how it has affected you.
Even our names are one and the same.
Just because I am open to who he is, I could not assume everyone else would be as well.
They would deliberately make hurtful comments when my brother was within hearing distance, and even try to talk him out of "his way of life."
At times, these comments would force me to question how I feel with having someone so close to me be gay.
In the end, I came to realize that it is not I or Jody who should be second guessing how they feel but they should be, for making such ignorant, hurtful statements.
Jody has shown me the world in a new light: that it is okay to be different (strange), not to give in to what others think, and to always be true to yourself.
Jody became a spark of hope to others who have had their own flames extinguished .
He's lucky to have such a sweet sister! Good luck with school and have fun!
:)
you should try to add what you learned from this situation. that would show more of the real you.
Its good but try to elaborate on a really special experience you had with your brother. Your essay amounts to only 237 words and for common app it should be at the least 300 for it to be considered good. To sum up, good start but work on it more