"the Gifted Education Programme" - U of Wisconsin statement 2

1. Is it okay that I did not full address "tell us about your academic goals" besides about 2 sentences?
2. The conclusion does not directly answer the question. Any way to improve it?
3. There are a lot of problems with this essay, I can feel something wrong with it, but I don't really know where to start correcting it. help!

4. Again, the word count is an issue. Should be 250-500 words, but it is already 530 and I feel like something is missing.

Prompt: Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.

I was always at the top of the class when I started school at 7 and when I was 10 I was admitted into the Gifted Education Programme. I was a bright, intelligent and promising young girl - the pride and joy of my family.

But entering the top girls' secondary school in Singapore at 13 had changed me completely. It was a time where I was the most impressionable and vulnerable - I was a young teenager, eager to impress and easily disappointed, and overly dependent on the views of my peers. Frankly speaking, I had some major self-esteem issues - I thought I was fat when I was almost underweight; I felt incredibly inadequate because everyone else around me was academically just as good, if not better; I had problems mixing with people because I tried too hard to be liked by them, that I had almost completely lost myself. It may seem over-dramatic, but there came a point where I had seriously contemplated suicide.

Evidently, this took a toll on my studies. My grades plummeted, and I blamed it all on being in the best school - that the papers were harder, the competition was tougher, and an array of other excuses. In fact, I was just too caught up with everything but the right thing.

And this all lasted for 3 whole years. I looked at myself one day and I realised how much I hated who, or what, I had become. It gave me the determination and will to change.

I have since matured - grown older and wiser. I now know that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place - I did not have to change myself to try to be a part of others. I now make friends easily because I am proud of the person that I am; people are naturally drawn to me because I am comfortable with myself.

I also know what things are most important, and I have set my priorities right. I have put academics on the list of my top priorities, together with religion and family. It is one area in which I believe I can achieve great successes in, and where I am willing to give my all. I believe that God has gifted me with the intelligence and potential to do well, and I will make use of this gifting wisely.

But it has been hard getting back on the right track and getting into the momentum of things; I shall be honest about it and say that I am not the best student out there. But I have fallen before, and I have learnt how to climb back up. That is one very important lesson that I have learnt, and I believe it will help me in the years to come - not only in my studies, but in life.

I might have spent a good 3 years of my life in a puddle, and another 2 years or so climbing out of it, but it is something I do not and will not regret because it made me much better off - it taught me about identity, it taught me humility and it taught me to stand up.

Help will be very very much appreciated. Thanks!

I'm applying to Wisconsin too! So, good luck to us?

Prompt 1,as you know is:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

I think if you have already answered something about personal development, maybe the university wants another perspective of things? Perhaps, they expect to know your academic goals specifically. But thats just my analysis. I think your essay has a good theme, but only a part is about academic circumstances/goals, while another is about your attitude adjustment from this. Are you worried about this?

If you ask me, I am only putting most of my hopes and dreams into #2.
I'm not influencing you to do the same, just something you might want to think over.

okay i'll consider. yes i'm worried that it doesn't hold much about academic stuff. But the problem is that my attitude adjustment was a VERY major factor in my academic progress. I think the problem is the tying it all in to bring the focus back to academics. any suggestions?

If you are worried about making connections, try brainstorming how you can use cause and effect, comparison, contrast or whatever to explain specifically why this determination, gain of self-identity and humility is in fact related to academic outlook or can be applied to academics (or even above the textbooks?).

Hope this helps.

No! You need to invest a lot in that. It is the most important thing. We don't want them thinking you are one of those kids who has no direction and no plans...

The essay should have a full paragraph at the beginning, and the para should include 4 or 5 sentences. At the end of that first para, capture in a single sentence the main idea of the essay. this should be a sentence about your plan for success in your chosen field. Take this opportunity to show them that you are passionate about making a real contribution to your chosen field.

The themes you use are good, but let's make a connection with your plan for the future. Don't let this be just a story. Make it an expression of your seriousness about your life plan.

...taught me about identity, it taught me about humility, and it taught me about how to stand up for ___________.

:-)