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Gks Undergraduate Essay; I have been deeply intrigued by the world of business

quenshaa 1 / -  
Oct 8, 2023   #1
correct my essay

Gks Undergraduate Essay

gks undergraduate these are the instructions.
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired,

Ever since I embarked on my academic journey, I have been deeply intrigued by the world of business. My fascination with the intricate interplay of market dynamics, consumer behavior, and entrepreneurial innovation has been a driving force in my life. Growing up in a family with limited formal education, I have witnessed the challenges and opportunities that entrepreneurship can offer firsthand. This has instilled in me a strong desire to break barriers and achieve success in the business world. The Global Korea Scholarship program presents a unique opportunity for me to receive a world-class education in Korea, renowned for its economic prowess and rich cultural heritage. I am eager to harness this opportunity to further my understanding of business and contribute to the dynamic Korean business landscape.

My family background has been marked by challenges and changes. At the age of 14, I experienced the loss of my father, a moment that had a profound impact on my life. Following his passing, my mother remarried, and our family dynamic underwent a significant transformation. While my stepfather may not be an avid reader, he has played a pivotal role in my life, providing guidance, support, and a strong sense of family unity. Despite our family's circumstances, my parents have continuously encouraged me to pursue my education passionately. Their unwavering support and determination to ensure I receive the best opportunities have been a profound source of motivation for me. My family's background has instilled in me a strong work ethic and a deep appreciation for the value of education.

One significant experience that has shaped my aspirations is my active involvement in managing my family's food business during my high school years. This role allowed me to gain practical insights into the business world, from inventory management to customer service. I took risks in experimenting with new menu items and marketing strategies, which led to increased sales and customer satisfaction. These achievements not only bolstered my confidence but also ignited a passion for business and entrepreneurship.

My stepfather has been a significant influence in my life. His guidance, support, and dedication to our family have been instrumental in shaping my character and ambitions. His example of hard work, resilience, and a commitment to family values has inspired me to pursue excellence in all aspects of my life. Additionally, reading about successful entrepreneurs like Warren Buffett and Steve Jobs has further fueled my determination to excel in the business world.

I have actively participated in the English club, where I've honed my communication skills and fostered a deep appreciation for cross-cultural understanding. This club has provided a platform for me to engage with diverse perspectives and enhance my ability to communicate effectively in a global context.

I have developed strong skills in selling and counting, both of which are crucial in the business world. My proficiency in these areas has allowed me to contribute significantly to my family's business operations and achieve measurable results.

In conclusion, my motivations, family background marked by loss, remarriage, and the influence of my stepfather, experiences, and skills in selling and counting, combined with my active participation in the English club, have all converged to fuel my passion for business and my desire to contribute to the Korean business landscape. I am eager to embark on this academic journey through the Global Korea Scholarship program, with a deep commitment to learning and making a positive impact in Korea and beyond
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,441 4691  
Oct 9, 2023   #2
Your essay has room for improvement. Specifically in the section that relates to your motivation to study in Korea. There is no actual pressing need for you to attend undergraduate studies there. There is nothing in your essay that actually signifies an interest in Korean entrepreneurship or business accomplishments. So the reviewer will be left wondering why you think you should be qualified to study in a country wherein you have no business interests whatsoever. You are merely saying that you want to study in Korea. You fail to justify a personal interest for doing so. That is where the problem with this essay lies. You should look into including that missing aspect into your essay.
sushiii - / 2 2  
Oct 14, 2023   #3
Hello, i am aware of the GKS-UG guidlenes. I read your essay and let me give you my honest feedback.
#by motivation with which you apply for this program means why you want to study that particular major, why you want to study in korea, and why that major in korea.

--> You have mentioned that you have interest in business world but didn't mentioned how you got interest in it.
--> The fact that you stated " Growing up in a family with limited formal education" doesn't justifies the exact reason you said " I have witnessed the challenges and opportunities that entrepreneurship can offer firsthand." State a releavant reason for it what exactly about your family's limited education helped you to have interest in business.

--> you don't state this "My family's background has instilled in me a strong work ethic and a deep appreciation for the value of education" its consuming your space and i far as i know you just have 2 pages to write it and there is a lot more things you need to cover in your statement.

--> In the 3rd para, you can write like, Managing my family business, inspired me to have a career in the business world and so. Then mention what this experience of managing taught you and shaped your skills in detail as much possible.

--> In the next paragraph, your mention about your step father is not necessary you can just simply continue about the books you read to shape your passion.

--> In the 2nd last para, the sentence in which you tell what have you gained (skills) mention that along with your experience of managing your family business.

--> honestly, your conclusion is very bad. Because in conclusion you don't have to mention every incidence again. Just write it collectively as challenges or experiences and then state what you wan to tell them like what/how these experiences did to you.

Now let's talk about your content efficiency.
1. you didn't about the motivation for south korea in particular.
2. you didn't mentioned anything related to your major you want to purse. Hence this essay will get rejected at the first glance itself.
3. If possible or applicable describe in more detial why you have interest in business only.
4. They have also asked for your education background which they have mentioned in the instructions itself. The student who doesn't follow the instruction will be rejected. So try to mention about that too (high School)

5. You also haven't mentioned about any extra-curricular activites. Think about them and plz must must add those stuffs in it.

If you don't have any clue just go and search on google how to write an SOP or Personal statements (not compulsory that you have to watch for South Korea only). You will get an rough estimate on what to include and what not to. Hope this helps you. Hurry UP the deadline is near, I guess both for embassy and unversity tracks. Onw more thing, if you are applying through university track make sure you mention about that unviersity too. That why you choose that particular uni out of all. All the BEst!

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