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How glasses have shaped my world - UC Prompt 1



Jacmob 2 / 3  
Oct 8, 2015   #1
I tried to play on this essay prompt by writing about the impact glasses have had on my life. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

PROMPT:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

MY RESPONSE:
I have always wanted to wear sunglasses for the sole purpose of the suspicion raised by people surrounding me of where my eyes are venturing off to. However, like 71% of Americans who require some form of vision correction, my world revolves around the two prescription lenses enclosed in a plastic frame perched on my nose and ears; It revolves around a pair of glasses that were constructed specifically for me.

I am convinced it had begun in the second grade when a careless upper grade child kicked a basketball in the air, only to strike me in the head as gravity forced the projectile back down. He must have been close to me for the point of impact suggests a nearly straight up and down trajectory. It was a few weeks after the incident that I noticed my vision was becoming progressively worse. I finally got to the point where I absolutely needed glasses by the fourth grade and have been wearing them ever since. Though many would be resentful of this day, I am proud of the outcome. I am proud to be "Four-eyed" for if I only had my own two, I wouldn't be able to see the big "E" on the eyesight chart.

Coping with a visual impairment so severe has shaped my world like nothing else ever could and quite frankly, I am astonished than an object as simple as glasses would have such an enormous impact on my life. They permit me to have a sense of direction of where I want to go and what I want to do in life; I yearn to fuel my madness in the medical field and I aspire to become an Anesthesiologist. These glasses grant me a first hand experience of the hardships of living in an underserved community, closer to the United States/Mexico border than a major medical center, and attending a 99% minority high school. And just like other citizens of the world, we have dreams and aspirations too. For that reason, I crave the opportunity to give back to the community that gave to me. The community that raised me to be grateful for opportunities to advance my education no matter how big or small, the community of teachers that sent me out on internships because they simply believed in me. These glasses allow me to see past the racial stereotypes that prove to discourage the masses that succumb to them. It is beyond me how a society could bring shame upon a group of people for something they have absolutely no control over. These glasses enable me to discern the pressure to be a role model for my siblings and peers. Needless to say, this only fuels my passion to wear glasses every day for the rest of my life. I want to prove everyone who doubted me, based on my ethnicity and community, wrong and give hope to those who supported me along the way. And I want to see their reactions to my success through the two prescription lenses enclosed in a plastic frame perched on my nose and ears.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Oct 8, 2015   #2
Well Raymond, this is certainly going to be an essay that stands out with the reviewer. He would probably be expecting to read a standard and boring personal statement about family, friends, or whatever. Then here you come, with your glasses, and wham! You nailed the essay prompt in a highly interesting and personal manner. Congratulations on doing that.

Now, after the accolades, comes some correction. Just some minor grammar structure details that you probably missed when you first wrote the essay. You probably haven't done any proofreading yet right? Let me help you out there. I'll just post the corrected portions below :-)

for the sole purpose of the suspicion raised by people surrounding me of where my eyes are venturing off to.
- We need you to clarify what you mean in this sentence. What is the sole purpose? How is it connected with suspicions of people regarding where your eyes are looking?

I am convinced it had begun began in the second grade

inTO the air,

He must have been close to me for the point of impact suggests a nearly straight up and down trajectory.
- Not really needed. You are not testifying in a court case here. An overview is enough

Though many would be resentful of this[ THAT day,

They permit me to have a sense of direction of where I want to go and what I want to do in life

By the way, as well written as your essay is, you really need to pay attention to its format. Remember to divide it into topic paragraphs to make it easier to read :-)
OP Jacmob 2 / 3  
Oct 8, 2015   #3
Thank you for the help! I will be sure to make the corrections and fix the formatting (:
justivy03 - / 2265  
Oct 9, 2015   #4
- I am convinced it had begun in the

- Coping with a visual
- I want to do in life;, I yearn to fuel...
- For thatthis reason,
-...community that gave tosupported me.
- It is beyond me how a society could bring shame upon a group of people for something they have absolutely no control over.( I'm just not sure what you mean by this sentence, I believe this needs revision, however, I can't do so as I can't get the message you were trying to tell )

- And I want to see their reactions...

As much as I want to see your essay as a motivation or a driver to those people that are considered minority, I feel like you want to prove something and this is fueled by your desire to seek revenge for those people who look down or who treat you as one of the general public. Well, as much as this is a craving for success, I'd like to see you motivating yourself for that genuine desire to help and educate others, for greater good and greater welfare of the community you belong, more so to send a very strong message that, man are created equal. Equal in everything, no more, no less.

I wish you the best of luck and let us know the outcome of your application, we'd love to hear from you.


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