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"grandiose stadium, engineering" - OSU's Why I am interested in their University



AndyZSun 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2010   #1
Hi guys I'm new to this website, but I would be glad to hear any comments/criticism on my article. Feel free to be honest...trust me my feelings won't be hurt :)

The reasons for why I am interested in the Ohio State University is endless, but perhaps the dream to attend this fine institution began when I was twelve. I can remember it perfectly, the sun was glinting over the cloud as I walked onto the OSU campus. There were many students playing Frisbee and enjoying the...

edited version...
My dream to attend this fine institution began when I was twelve. I can remember it perfectly, the sun was glistening over the clouds as I walked onto the OSU campus. There were many students playing Frisbee and enjoying the weather outside. But the most impressive aspect of OSU, in my opinion, was its grandiose stadium, which I later found out had more than 105,000 seats. Immediately, I wanted to be a student sitting in one of those seats.

Later on in high school, I read an article about an electric car that has the capability of going 307 mph, and guess what? This car was made by OSU students. I later found out that it had broken the world record. I could not have imagined a vehicle accelerating to the epitome of 307 mph, but I still felt a sense of pride for a University with which I was intensely mesmerized.

Then, as I started considering majors, I became interested in Business and Engineering, and I know that OSU ranks 24 in Business and 16 in Engineering across the nation. These programs are world renowned and I think that these programs will help me achieve my goals.

Besides OSU's football field, achievements, and ranks, it captivates me in the fact that it is the second largest school and is considered one of the most diverse universities in the United States. I would appreciate this chance to have a better understanding of other cultures, and I just know that OSU will be the perfect place for me to get an excellent education that will improve my progress. I look forward to being a Buckeye.

zxh321 2 / 3  
Nov 19, 2010   #2
In the essay, you used many words to describe the goodness of OSU. However, based upon suggestions from my college counselor, I think you should mainly focus on why you fit the OSU, rather than state lots of sentences for the school, such as I know that OSU ranks 24 in Business and 16 in Engineering across the nation , since they have already know that, right?
OP AndyZSun 1 / 1  
Nov 21, 2010   #3
yeah, your right...TY :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 26, 2010   #4
Your first sentence is interesting. The second sentence is a good place to use a colon:
I can remember it perfectly: The sun was glistening over the clouds as I walked onto the OSU campus.

Immediately, I wanted to be a student sitting in one of those seats.---Why? Just because it is a large stadium? Or does the grandeur represent some ideal that appeals to you?

...to the epitome extreme of 307 mph, but I...

Then, as I started considering majors-----I don't think it is good to present this as though you only recently began considering majors. It is better if you have been thoughtfully planning your future for a long time during high school. The best essays demonstrate detailed goals and plans.

:-)


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