Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I don't clearly define a quality or accomplishment, so please read to check if I've answered the prompt. I'm also above the word limit, so I'd love any help on where I can cut down. Also, I may use this for my common app for the "Influential Person" prompt(grandpa teaching me what not to do), so if there's any part that would benefit from elaboration, then please note that. Thank you! I appreciate it.
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Grandpa's Sin, My Revelation
As I walk into the kitchen, I see my mother, grim about the mouth, her eyes lifelessly searching the bare wall. Next to her hand is the phone, black and brooding mystery as I wonder who she talked to. Weeks later, I hear shouting from downstairs through my closed door. Eager for excitement, I drop my pencil, letting it roll across my cursive notes as I creep near the door. Stealthily, I open my door 8 centimeters wide, just short of it creaking, and eavesdrop. "I don't want him near me or my family. He's not family!" My mom continues to rant to my aunt, who whispers streams of melancholy and despair. Paralyzed by shock, anger, and frustration, I continue listening until the phone clicks off. The weeks of tension and emotional bursts by my mom that I unfortunately experienced summed up to one cause: my grandpa was having an affair.
Timing couldn't have been better. In a week, we'll be flying to Connecticut for a great family reunion. While my mom pressured me to ignore my grandpa, my dad silently stood aside. Later, he told me to make my own decision. Joy, oh joy, I can either break off all relations with my grandpa who's selfishly betraying my grandma or love him while knowing that he's a jerk, I thought as I failed looking at the situation rationally.
During the days before our reunion trip, I went to the gym more often than before, finding my mind more efficient after a workout. Resentment and misery threatened to overwhelm me, but I tried hard to distinguish my wants from my needs. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to rip his heart out, leaving his worthless soul dripping with regret and shame. The mental barrier I drew thankfully helped me locate my values, hindering my fury from exploding. I needed my grandpa. He is family. My memories of grandpa tie him to me, so that I can never let him go. He's made an unforgivable mistake, but our relationship is strong. The day before my flight, I decided to make the best of the rare reunion, to cherish the few days I have with everyone, including grandpa.
Smiling, laughing, caressing, everyone chattered animatedly while the puppy yapped at the newcomers. Though grandpa kept his distance, we all sat down together for lunch. I maintained my smile as I was seated right across from him. Awkward silence. "Grandpa, I'm applying to college", I say, interrupting the rigid atmosphere, as we plunge into a conversation on which colleges I'm interested in. Though my Jiminy Cricket in the back of my head reminded me of grandpa's sin, I decided to save the precious bond I have with grandpa, in hopes of also reminding him of the loving family he's hurting.
From my grandpa, I learned the importance of relationships. While he unfortunately hurt his, I look to build mine with others. I take an honest stance on life, making true friends and brightening their lives. Whether they are short-lived or lifelong, my relationships give me a purpose. As I study in the University of California, I am content having known to affect someone's life in a positive way, even if just momentarily.
Well, your accomplishment was deciding to hold onto your bond with your grandfather even though he had hurt the family by having an affair. I think you should sum up the whole first paragraph into one strong sentence, then add it to the second paragraph. Your essay will be clearer and you'll have space to elaborate on how good it feels to forgive, how we all make mistakes, and how we can learn from the mistakes of others.
This is beautifully written. Before I began reading, I expected that I would have to tell you to take out some of the story to make room for answering this part of the prompt:
"...makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"
But you tell the story so nicely, and it is so interesting -- I almost don't want to change it. Still, sometimes the admissions people judge you by how directly you answered the prompt, so maybe you should add more reflection at the end -- how do you think differently now? What are the implications? What is the moral of the story? Does this somehow connect with your academic aspirations?
