Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights

Hi
This essay is due in a few days. So please any suggestions on how to make it better will be extremely appreciated. I'm worried that the essay doesn't 'elaborate' on the extracurricular I chose. Should I be?

Prompt - Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (Recommended length-250 words)

Here goes,

I began my campaign by turning off the lights in every classroom after school hours. I was asked countless times why I bothered to do this. Even more so, why I decided to establish a club that seemingly, no one cared about.

I was compelled to initiate Green club on the strong desire to encourage more students to care about saving energy. Expanding its membership, however, proved to be challenging. As getting students interested in the environment they live in is, as ironic as it sounds, tedious work. But Green club managed to record significant improvement in time.

Also, I was able to benefit from the experience. Breaking out of my persistent inclination to look inward, I opened myself up to new people, entertained their questions and exchanged ideas with them. At this time I had developed a confidence which translated into my academic and sports life with impressive results.

At the end I was able to enlist several members devoted to making awareness on the environmental damages from energy usage. I was proud of this commitment and as it turned out, the principal as well. I was rewarded with the School Sanitation Prefect post later that year. Besides this, I was extremely pleased with the increasing number of people who accompanied me on my daily trips round the classrooms.

Go environmentalism and green comrade!
A bit too many I's in this essay (Stanford?) which makes the essay seem more like a biography.
Starting from "Also, I was able", show, don't tell.

Change "besides this" to "However, I was most pleased"

With your advice 'to show not tell' in mind I rewrote the essay. Still too many I's unfortunately but hopefully it sounds better. Please any other suggestion would be appreciated. No, it's not for Stanford.

I stood shading my eyes from the relentless sun rays while scanning the project that was our challenge. A few feet in front lay a pond littered with a clutter of both organic and inorganic waste dumped by the kitchen staff and the challenge was to weed out the waste completely. We had arrived with this mission clear in our minds and worked harmoniously towards achieving it. Carefully, I leaned over with the long handle in my shaky hands, and with what seemed like a firm stance manipulated the net to intercept debris that had settled at the top of the pond. Behind me, the rest of the Green Club members replicated my movements until the entire lake was cleaned out. After hours of sweating and skimming, we drained some of the pond's water and refilled it with de-chlorinated water.

I started my green activities in school by turning off lights in every classroom after school hours and was therefore truly pleased by how far I'd come from then. Green club's increasing membership and the significant changes it made added to my bursting satisfaction. As it turned out, the principal was also proud of this commitment and rewarded me with the School Sanitation Post later that year.

Still, countless people asked why I'd bothered to establish a club that seemingly no one cared about. I counted myself lucky because I only had to think back to the feeling of fulfillment that overwhelmed me after cleaning the pond to remember why.

Love it. The I's are much more disseminated evenly throughout the essay.
Very nice imagery and specifics make for a very vivid essay.
Just some thoughts:
Try implementing an overarching metaphor into your essay by changing around some of the verbs/adjectives. (bursting satisfaction -> blooming satisfaction [signifies flowers, related to Green Club])

Ending is nicely done. Delete "I counted myself lucky because"; those sound like filler words and "lucky" doesn't answer anything about establishing a club people were indifferent about.

After "de-chlorinated water", add in a feeling of joy, accomplishment, serenity, or satisfaction to tie in with the "feeling of fulfillment that overwhelmed" you at the end of the essay.

Third sentence, "worked harmoniously", I can't tell what kind of connotation or feeling that is supposed to be elicited from the adverb.

Separate the second sentence into two.

.... :D
Yes ...this is very impressive writing and great comments by jestijest :)


In your previous version you have mentioned how difficult it was for you to win recognition for this activity. I think it is worth mentioning about that fact because it shows that you are a person who's committed to your course. That's a plus for you. However, don't drag that idea for too long :)

I appreciate and have taken note of all the corrections you've both made into my final version. Thanks a lot guys.