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HAPPY TO BE HERE. Common app essay; topic of my choice


neptmg 2 / 4  
Dec 6, 2012   #1
Here's my essay on the topic of my choice for the common app. Could you please revise my essay and point out any grammatical mistakes or any other sort of issue on this essay? Did this essay reflect what kind of a person I am? (As the AO look for it.) I appreciate any critique or advice. Help me :) thankyou

The joy of life comes from our encounters with new opportunities and experiences. With great opportunities comes great accomplishments but then again, there are times when you have to pay it off with sacrifices and compromises. At the end of the day you achieve your peace of mind learning, growing and becoming a better person. The only thing you need is an attitude to take initiative to make a radical change in lifestyle and change the way you look at things.

My dad had been in America for his Ph.D degree for more than seven years. He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time. This sure did make living apart an uncomfortable task but he had to do what he had to do in order to support himself and his family(that would be us here) and the same time complete his studies. After the entire struggle, he had the chance to take us with him to America. He worked really hard to give us an opportunity to gain an exposure of the education system, language and lifestyle of America. The deliberate decision to migrate took me by surprise but the uncertainty to let go of the opportunity was very low. At the most, he wanted this experience for us to become an asset in our life.

With hopes of new life in a new country, I was in America, the land of opportunities where people dream of coming. I was scared and terrified as I was oblivious of American system, the culture and the language. English isn't my first language and it was difficult to speak than to read or write. The school was different and there were people from different parts of the world. The people I met and their ways all seemed strange to me. Both the environment and the lifestyle were completely opposite of what I was used to. I wondered how and why people in America obey traffic lights even when the roads are empty; and why vehicles abide by the traffic rules even when the police are not around as I was used to almost no state presence or strict law enforcement in my daily life back home. I wasn't longer able to see the familiar signs and faces of my home. I was devastated because life didn't seem easier.

I had to think, and I thought the reasons I came more than thousand miles away from home. I was here to learn, to experience, to challenge myself, to become a better person and not live a life of ignorance. It came to my senses that indomitable will and determination was the key to challenge the adversity. I worked harder in school, I made more friends, I adjusted myself with the diversity and I tried harder everyday in taking each chances of this opportunity to achieve, become a better person and to feel stronger to endure the hardships. I quickly grew to love my new home, school, friends and family. Reading books, involving myself with diverse activities, getting to know new people helped me in discovering the fact that I grew with a meaningful perspective of life. Once I became accustomed to such a life I saw its full meaning and its incredible beauty. I acknowledged the importance of opportunities and the circumstances but its challenges too. I came to realize the true measure of a person is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.

Understanding American culture was a process of adjusting myself to a new country and culture which was dramatically different from my own. Life is life anywhere in the world but life in America gave me an opportunity to grow with a strong sense of responsibility, independence, and work and educational ethics as a result of the privileged education. Difficulties and challenges are bound to arise when great opportunities like such are given but my spirit grew strong by such conflicts. Life became meaningful as I overcame the challenges and experienced endlessly changing horizons. Now that I was back home as a different person, I felt different and a better person than before. I am glad I didn't let go of the opportunity because it made me who I am today. I am happy now because I was happy then there.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 7, 2012   #2
It's good if you posted the prompt so that others could give you more relevant feedbacks.

there are times when you have to pay it off with sacrifices and compromises.

"pay it off" changes the mood of your idea... I guess what you mean is "pay with" : )

He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time. This sure did make living apart an uncomfortable task but he had to do what he had to do in order to support himself and his family(that would be us here) and the same time complete his studies.

----------- I think you need to improve the presentation of this idea;
He used to visit whenever there was an opportunity, but these visits were limited to short stays. My father was challenged with hard tasks simultaneously; homesick, providing for the family as well as himself and managing his studies put him under severe stress.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 7, 2012   #3
I like the way you write. Your ideas are very clear and the essay is well constructed.

He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time.

This is the only place I found difficult to understand. Perhaps you should rephrase it.

Overall it's a very good essay. But I think it is always better to post the prompt along with your essay because we could give you more accurate feedback.

Please post the prompt if you can. :)
OP neptmg 2 / 4  
Dec 7, 2012   #4
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement , risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faces and its impact on you.

Thank you for the advice.
azmain1234 2 / 9  
Dec 10, 2012   #5
A question to all. Can we exceed the word limit of 500, as this essay does? Thank You


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