can somebody read this and see if i have errors or need to add more to it
The University of Connecticut has always been my top choice college. Being the top 30 public universities in the nation and the number one public schools in New England, this is a great school to attend to. And by applying to the University of Connecticut, i will receive an outstanding education.
I want to attend the University of Connecticut because they offer so much and that they are one of two schools in the state of Connecticut that offer...
Paragraph 1: I would cut out the facts. They know their stats; they don't need them regurgitating back at them. Just say... A stellar university, I would receive an outstanding education at the University of Connecticut.
Paragraph 2: When you say 'so much' do you mean 'so many courses'? You have a lot of unneccesary words. I revised it a bit...
I want to attend the University of Connecticut because it offers many courses and a health care management degree. It offers many clubs and studying abroad opportunities, which would enable me to get involved and learn about different people and cultures. I know college is about hard work but it's also about having fun while you're there.
Paragraph 3: 'successful' not 'success'. Your second sentence doesn't make sense grammatically. Your third sentence should read: The school's faculty and students will help mentor me and help me achieve success. Also, it should be 'the opporunity' not 'an'. You need to specify what your dreams are.
Overall, this needs a lot of work. Work on your grammar and have family or friends look over it.
how about this one:
Out of all the colleges in Connecticut, I knew my choice was the University of Connecticut. While searching for schools that would fit my criteria; the school that was close to my family, one that provides a health care management degree, and a college experience that a college student would want. The University of Connecticut happened to be the one. Connecticut is where i was born and raised, its my home, and so is Uconn. Besides the University of Connecticut, another school offered the same major, but I knew my heart was set on Uconn because of their beautiful campus and their prestigious business school.
The University of Connecticut offers everything i could ask for in a school. With more than 100 majors to choose from, an on-campus library and gym, studying abroad, and a number of clubs, this is a college to go to. I know college is about hard work and studying but its also about having fun while your there. At a stellar university, I would receive an outstanding education at the University of Connecticut and fulfill my dreams to become a successful business woman.
Out of all the colleges in Connecticut, I knew my first choice would be the University of Connecticut. It fit all of my criteria; I want a school that is close to my family, offers a health care management degree and boasts a great college experience. Another school offered the same major, but my heart was set on the University of Connecticut because of its beautiful campus and its prestigious business school. Connecticut is where I was born and raised; it's my home, and so is Uconn.
The University of Connecticut offers everything i could ask for in a school. With more than 100 majors to choose from, an on-campus library and gym, studying abroad opportunities, and a number of clubs, it's the college to go to. I know college is about hard work and studying but it's also about having fun while you're there. At a stellar university like UConn, I would receive an outstanding education and fulfill my dreams of becoming a successful business woman.
In the future, you should review conjunctions. Its is possessive while it's means it is. Your grammar isn't really up to par; you should try to improve it. I know that the American school system doesn't really teach grammar like it should, so we've all got to make sure we're on our game :)
Good luck!
It looks good. You might think about adding specific details on its business school
If you work on improving efficiency, you can give the reader a more interesting experience. For example, you can say this in half the amount of words:
Out of all the colleges in Connecticut, I knew my first choice would be t The University of Connecticut It fit all of my criteria; I want a school that is close to my family, offers a health care management degree, and boasts a great college experience.
It is always better to make the reader's job easier. So... get rid of unnecessary words when you can.
This whole paragraph does not really say anything:
The University of Connecticut offers everything i could ask for in a school. With more than 100 majors to choose from, an on-campus library and gym, studying abroad ...dreams of becoming a successful business woman.---Instead of telling them all this that they already know, write a paragraph that compares their school to your second choice school. Be specific; why is this your first choice rather than the other school?
Show that you have a carefully designed plan. :-)
