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"I want to help countries like my home country" - Personal Statement

imonaroll 2 / 3  
Sep 10, 2011   #1
My feet ached, my knees trembled, water dripped down my face and I could taste its sweetness. I reached out to feel the new and unknown texture as the water collided with my palms. Goosebumps quickly formed on my skin as my body adjusted to the frigid water. The world with which I had familiarized myself changed within seconds. Similar to shooting a new subject in photography the angle changes, the light meter needs adjustment, the aperture opens or closes to a light, and the photographer must find a new focus. Behind these waterfalls, found after a three hour hike, my body adjusted to a new environment. The hike, although long, showed me a hidden world behind the cities and paved roads of my daily life. I had never been introduced to the outdoors in such an intimate manner. Following hours of stumbling on rocks, admiring the 90 ft waterfalls, and climbing over slippery slopes, I realized how comfortable I felt enveloped by nature and the tumbling waterfalls. After leaving my comfortable home to enter a foreign world, I realized what made me successful in my life; being able to commit myself to new environments and foreign situations with a swift and undisturbed manner.

In my life I have needed to adjust to new environments and foreign situations on more than a few occasions. My family moved from Venezuela when I was only six years old and had no grasp of the English language. I attended many different schools, but in the end returned to a public high school. In my four years at Henderson I was able to help in many ways and I also left my own small legacy at the school. Learning to succeed in new environments at an early age, then influenced my abilities to adapt in club sports teams and other activities outside of my academics. I enveloped myself in Mock Trial, to familiarize myself with what I thought would be the best career for me.

Similar to entering a court room or navigating through a forest towards a waterfall, with dedication and commitment I know I can achieve any goal in life because I put my whole heart and soul into everything. This is the kind of motivation that lead me to my interest in the arts and in my community. I used my talents in the arts to help others rather than just for myself. I have discovered so many beautiful aspects of the world that only a camera can really capture. I was able to see the expressions of others when they saw my pictures. I saw a new perspective of people and my community. This inspired me to base my grad project on the community center and photograph the faces of the children. I noticed everyday how people reacted to the pictures on the wall. People from the community were inspired by my pictures and also wanted to help the center. My Hispanic culture was a large influence in my life, and is what led me to do so much community work. Coming from a community with no structure and many evils drove me to want to help others in situations like the once in Venezuela.

I also joined Amnesty International to see how one action could change so many people's lives. As a group we joined forces and signed many petitions in order to become part of a united force to help protect the individual rights of people. I have seen the anguish of people in third world countries, whose sons and daughters have died. Joining Amnesty opened my eyes to the change I was capable of accomplishing. The emotions that I hold for my country are no longer anger, but hope that I can help save a life or help a parent, like my nana, deal with the unjust death of their son.

Being able to adapt to any environment has driven me to choose a career that involves a multitude of situations and cultures. Due to my culture, the country I came from, and my high school career, I came to the conclusion that in my lifetime I wanted to be part of the monumental change that must happen in this world. A major in international studies and political science would help me become part of this change. In high school I was able to see how my small actions for the community could change so many people's lives. I now want to see how these small actions can turn into massive changes.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 11, 2011   #2
Hello Andrea!

In the first few lines, you repeat the phrase "the water" quite a few times. You can employ the possessive case (its) in such instances.

The second paragraph has too many details which may not interest the adcom. You can sum it up in fewer sentences and merge it with the third paragraph.

Likewise, the fourth and fifth paragraphs contain some irrelevant details. Instead you should focus on the topics which are relevant to your selected major. For instance, you can elaborate on the experiences you had while you were an Amnesty International member.

I want to use my very adaptive skills to become part of new communities and help those communities flourish. In college I want to continue discovering nature and learn more about other cultures. I want to help countries like my home country, because I have seen the damage that there is in the world.

This is all very good, but it's not specific. Talk about something specific, like a career you want to pursue, or the kind of job you like, etc.

Good luck! I'm sure you are on a roll ;)
collegebound28 13 / 22  
Sep 11, 2011   #3
This is interesting but i think you need more development on how your experiences changed you as a person and how you grew from them.
DMA17 8 / 31  
Sep 24, 2011   #4
I found this to be a good read. I like it a lot and I could see your voice coming through with this essay.

The only thing that I'd say to change is this:
in the second paragraph you have

"I enveloped myself in Mock Trial," I understand what you're trying to say but I wouldn't use the word envelope, try something like immersed.
OP imonaroll 2 / 3  
Oct 9, 2011   #5
Thank you so much everyone! Your help has been great! Any other advice would be great too!

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