I need help with Stanford Essay What matters most to you? - Democracy

Undoubtedly what matters to me most is democracy, because everybody deserves the right to be free and to choose their leaders, and this was what sparked the revolution of the 25 of January 2011 when the people united to topple a dictator who ruled Egypt for 30 years and his family and his party were controlling the whole country and exploiting its resources for their own benefit, and they were making sure that they will stay in power forever that in their last parliament elections President Mubarak's party won almost 97% of the seats in the parliament which was a surprise to everyone as they were not popular among the people which led everyone to suspicion about the integrity of the elections, and after that there were rumors that the president's son was willing to nominate himself for the upcoming presidential elections which he would have won for sure in the same matter. People were full with anger as they had seen the ruling party and their families getting richer and richer while the country's economy was collapsing and the poor were getting poorer. Police's only job was protecting the regime instead of protecting the people and freedom of speech was a thing we could only dream of. So I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks for the sake of their beloved country.

Ahmad, you have a good concept for the answer to the prompt. However, there is no real personal connection between the statement that you made about democracy being important to you and the events that you discussed in the essay. This is not a history lesson. So you don't have to mention too many facts relating to the uprising that you participated in. What you have to do is create a channel in the essay that connects the events that occurred with your participation and your realization that democracy is important to you.

After you say that democracy matters to you, discuss your life leading up to the revolution. How you lived in fear, saw the seeds of democracy being planted in the sentiments of the people, describe your feeling of unrest growing within you. Then launch into a discussion of how you slowly found yourself participating in the demonstrations, describe the growing activism in you that came from your desire to help instill democracy in the hearts and minds of the people, until that day when you successfully helped to overthrow the oppressive government. That is the discussion you have to present / develop in order to give your closing statement more impact. When you finally say the following words ;

So I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks for the sake of their beloved country.

You have to make sure that the reviewer can actually feel and understand where your conviction for this statement came from.

@vangiespen
What do you think of it now

Undoubtedly, what matters to me the most is freedom, because since I was a child I've lived in a community that doesn't permit freedom of expression whether at school or at a national level. Most people in our society consider expressing oneself to be rude and odd, although a person could express himself without being impolite or disrespectful. A few years ago, I unwillingly arrived to school 15 mins late and I was ordered to run around the school playground for about 30 minutes, which lead to me missing my first lesson. I asked to meet the school headmaster and told her about what happened to me, expecting that she would help or sympathize with me, but instead I was accused of being rude and defying school rules; that day I felt really oppressed and weak. On a national level, we lived in fear of the ruling regime which didn't allow freedom of speech and anyone who would express his dissatisfaction with the status quo would either disappear or get imprisoned. Thats why I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution, 25th of January. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks for the sake of their beloved country, to topple off a dictator, looking forward to a change. Despite the fact that I was merely one amongst millions but I am sure I was one of the factors of the revolution's triumph.

Ahmad, this is not a bad revision of the essay. It just need to sound more academic because there are a number of times when you used slang English words. Those words need to be replaced in order to keep the professional, formal, and respectful tone of your statement. I'll revise those portions for you below:

Undoubtedly, w What matters to me the most is freedom, because since .

... A few years ago, I unwillingly arrived to school 15 mins. minutes late and I was ordered to run around the school playground for about 30 minutes, which lead to me missing my first lesson.

... expecting that she would help or sympathize with me, but instead . Instead I was accused of ...
... Thats Which is why I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution, 25th of January to the internationally acclaimed January 25th Egyptian Revolution. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious fellow Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks lives for the sake of their beloved country country's democracy, to topple off a dictator, looking forward to a change. Despite the fact that I was merely one amongst millions among many, but I am sure I was one of the factors of that led to the revolution's triumph.

This version is all set to use one you add my suggested revisions :-)