"Hey man, you should check out Baylor" - supplement essay

Baylor Uni.
Why do you want to attend Baylor U. and how do you see yourself contributing to the community at Baylor?

As I sat with my laptop, I was suddenly joined by my friends who thought it best to discuss future college plans amongst friends. I agreed and began showing them my research on colleges with a reputation for a top-notch pre-medical program and as I showed them, I heard one of them enthusiastically shout "Hey man, you should check out Baylor, it's one of the best colleges for what you're looking for!". "Sure David, I'll check it out later", I responded however apathetically. Throughout our discussion, David relentlessly suggested I check out Baylor now. Adamant in his tone I eventually agreed. Upon my findings, I could finally see what David was arduously droning on and on about. One of the first things I noticed was the diversity. For as far as I can recall, I've lived in relatively towns and communities with limited exposure to diverse cultures. I'm very intrigued by the idea of experiencing these cultures in all their entirety as much as I can. I went back to David to get a better understanding as to why he felt so strongly about Baylor. He told me he had a couple cousins who attended Baylor and they told him of the experiences they had there and it seems like their time at Baylor was certainly life-changing to say the least. Hearing all this prompted me to apply. Also, contributing to the community at Baylor is something I could only hope for. I get along with people really well and I like knowing that a group of people can help make a better community. I take pride in doing a good job and I like participating in organizations that are going to help make a difference.

Okay, this essay sounds more like you are taking David's recommendation that you attend Baylor more than anything else. I suggest you tone down the David part, concentrating instead upon what you learned about Baylor from you research and possibly an on campus visit that opened you up to the Baylor community. In fact, you can even look into the notable names of people who graduated from Baylor that work in the field that you are interested in .That will definitely help establish the reason behind your choice for Baylor. Mention something specific such as notable professors you look forward to working with. Or taking advantage of the internship opportunities they offer. You need to present your idea of the Baylor experience as the reason that you want to attend the university. As such, you will also be able to show how you will be an asset to the student community as well. Perhaps by mentioning the clubs you are interested in joining or organizations that you look forward to volunteering for. These will help enhance the part of the essay that asks you to discuss your future contribution to Baylor as a student. Right now, the essay is lacks substance and does not really answer the prompt in a good, strong, and informed manner. I believe that a revision is definitely in order.

The essay is good, making you want to continue reading especially since it starts with a so-called "story" . However, I believe you can add some more reasons -specific reasons- about Baylor. Each university has its specialities which you can mention to make your writing more convincing.

Hey so I think for this essay you need to really consider your audience and discuss why Baylor will actually be a right fit for you. I can tell you that Baylor really cares about your personal character. What are actually going to do for the better of man and such. I think you've done any volunteer work or if their is something your passionate about relative to your major you should put it. But anyways, good luck!