Any opinions of my essay will be much appreciated.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The ear-piercing sound coming from the most painful invention ever created by
man startled me. It was the horror of my dreaded alarm clock.
Initially, the unfamiliar noise, which I hadn't heard for months, left me baffled.
Lying in bed, and terrified at the prospect of beginning the day earlier then desired, I
considered ignoring the obnoxious alarm and resuming my period of serenity for at least
3 more hours. Luckily, I originally planned for this very moment and made sure the
alarm clock was not within arm's length. Hearing the distant cries coming from my
parents' room, pleading for an end to the raucous, I surrendered to my fate of beginning
my day earlier then expected. After gaining full consciousness, I recalled my logic for
using the deafening machine. It was the third week of August which meant only one
thing to me and the rest of my soccer team. It was the first day of doubles practice.
I hopped into the shower where I would be able to contemplate the reasons for
my voluntary participation in this suffering. The next two weeks would involve four
grueling hours every morning of fitness, drills, fitness, ball work, and more fitness. Why
would anybody allow his or her body to undergo such an excruciating process?
Then I remembered a quote my 5th grade teacher would constantly stress to
the class. That quote was:"Strength comes from adversity." This scintillating statement
was so substantial to my teacher that he made an obligation to personally make and
distribute laminated cards with this slogan to each student at graduation. Thus, it is
this statement that describes the reasoning behind my participation in varsity soccer
doubles practice.
Like anything worth doing in life, soccer requires hard work and determination
in order to score a favorable outcome. Every practice, every run, and every drill are
meant to improve each member's ability and that of the team as a whole. Even though
my body is aching and my lungs are gasping for air at the time, I always feel a sense
of accomplishment after practice with the knowledge that I persevered even when I
felt like I could not go any further.
This is best represented when we step onto the pitch on game day against
opposing teams who have annihilated our team in previous years. We engage in our
80 minute battle and surprise the other team when we show that we can compete. The
fact that all the hours of preparation and hard work have most definitely paid off
becomes very apparent to our opposition, our parents, our friends, and, most
importantly, to us.
Therefore, as I emerged from the shower to begin preparations to commence
in two weeks of suffering, I felt an odd sense of joy inside me. I thought to myself that
the experience will be very rewarding when it is completed. As I walked out the door, I
felt confident knowing that whenever life calls, no matter how early it is, I will not bury
my head under a pillow and ignore the alarm. I will answer the call, I will endure the
obstacle, and I will achieve.
THANKS FOR READING MY ESSAY :)
Good afternoon.
First, a few mechanical comments.
1. Avoid using contractions in your academic writing as they are inappropriate.
2. When using numbers from one to ten write the word out; in numbers 11 and over, numerals are appropriate.
"It was the third week of August which meant only one thing to me and the rest of my soccer team" should be "...to the rest of my soccer team and me/I."
In regards to content, I think you could remove some of the background details and replace them with more evaluation of the impact this sacrifice has had on you. Where else has it shown itself in your life? Are you a better/worse person for it? The more introspective evaluation you can provide the better this piece will be.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
