Not gonna lie, threw this together really quickly so there's probably a ridiculous amount of errors lol.
I'm a little iffy on the topic too, so any feedback would be awesome.
Anyways:
When the car rounded the corner I sprinted through the cold air like a gazelle after its lunch, feeling nothing but the warmth of pure exhilaration. In the instance I was the runner in a game of Fugitive, and to me, nothing mattered more than the adrenaline pushing my body to reach the next hiding spot. I felt alert, simple, and motivated. I felt human. This is what matters to me.
In the midst of academic immersion I find myself, like many others, forgetting what it means to be human in the most fundamental of ways. I go to school, go to practice, go home, study more and practice more; my brain habituates. To break that habit I tease fear and venture out into the dark, allowing my basic senses to take over. As with Fugitive, a game of chase in the nakedness of night, I find myself on familiar streets but as a different person, a simple human, void of ambient tedium. In is in those moments that I realize stress is no more than a folly and come to peace with the joys of running wild, both body and mind.
My three close friends who, by the way are all cerebral studs, also join me in another breathtaking night adventure. At least once a month, we dedicate ourselves to scale the trails of a nearby park, Rancho San Antonio. As cross-country runners, we are all accustomed to the paths as a result of hundreds of miles of sweat and dust. However, at midnight, Rancho becomes a strikingly alien environment. The mountains come alive with the sounds of unknown creatures and the scene dims to set of vague, dark shapes, rendering my hearing acute and my sight keen. It is in those times where I find myself a simple human, detached from commonplace worries and instead imbued with a certain terror and fascination with the land around me.
I'll admit it, these are odd hobbies, but those are the nights that inspire the deepest of my appreciation for a life on this planet. Being human is what matters to me.
My deepest gratitude.
I'm not sure if gazelles are herbivores or carnivores, but I can't imagine one sprinting after its lunch. (: I would change that to a more aggressive animal, like a lion.
I think there should be a comma after the phrase "in the instance"
Your main point is that the game makes you feel human, but you open the essay up comparing yourself to an animal. I might change "I felt human" into "I felt alive."
This a unique essay & I hope my comments helped!
Could you read my Common App essay, thanks.
Well that's really awkward, I totally forgot the relationship between gazelle's and lions. LOL. Fixing that hahahahahaha.
That's also true about my opening and relation to the topic, I'll fix something there.
THANKS really good comments (:. I'll drop by your essay in a sec!
Wow, you threw this together quickly? You deserve a pat in the back my friend, this is quite impressive.
One thing though, since gazelles feed on stationary plants, I don't think it would be running for it prey lol, maybe it would be running from its predator?
Also, mentioning that your friends are cerebral studs is a little distracting, I'd remove that.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
Oh right good call on the cerebral stud thing, I had originally intended on tying that in to something profound but decided against it. Thus, the "cerebral stud" stands there awkwardly. TOTALLY REMOVING.
Thanks <3
This is rally good, i must commend you. I just think you should change the gazelle thing and you friends being cerebral studs too distracting, left me pondering what you meant. Instead of using that you felt human, use something else. I like how you were creative and precise in your essay, really flows well.
Hope I helped and good luck:)
Can you please help with my Johns Hopkins essay. Thanks in advance.
Very interesting topic! I like changing the gazelle into "a lion after its prey" if your going for aggressive, or maybe changing it to "like a graceful (or elegant) gazelle on the African grasslands" if your going in that direction.
I enjoyed it! And I would love help with mine :)!
