Living in a household where none of my parents have obtained higher than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process. During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money and she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam. After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying at Macy's and saving money for college expenses. A week after my eighteenth birthday I had an interview and was hired on the spot.
My first day of work was the day after Thanksgiving-or "Black Friday"-and I worked ten hours. I threw on my replenishment apron and met my team in the men's department. As soon as I got there a woman in her forties called me "hun" and asked me if it was my first day. Soon after, I heard a group of twenty-somethings talking about drinking on Thanksgiving. Later that day I would discover that my co-workers were anywhere between twenty and sixty-five. I was the youngest of the entire group which led my superiors to address me by a sickeningly cutesy name as "sweetie". I had to fight to earn respect, even if that meant getting lost a few times, calling for help or surreptitiously standing on my tiptoes. By the end of my seasonal position, no one called me "hun"; instead they called me "Aria".
What do you think? Application is due on January 15th.
Living in a household where neither of my parents hasachieved more than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process.
During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money because she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam thats pretty funny :) . After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying for a job at Macy's to save money for college expenses. A week after my eighteenthyou already said the eighteenth birthday part A week after I applied I was called in for an interview and was hired on the spot.
*and hired on the spot.
Hmmm I don't think you really addressed the minority thing very well. You could talk more about how you felt being the youngest...intimidated? or inferior? Was being called those endearing names the only thing that happened? Did they excluded you from things? Underestimate you? How exactly did you 'fight to gain respect'? 'Show not tell' is the college app essay mantra so incorporate that idea when you're writing. Btw is this the only minority related incident you've had?
PLEASE look at my essay as well and comment and/or edit it. I'd REALLY appreciate it.
Living in a household where neither of my parents achieved higher than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process. During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money and she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam. After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying at Macy's and saving money for college expenses. A week later, I had an interview and was hired on the spot.
My first day of work was surprising. I was shocked by how many people were between the ages of twenty and sixty-five. By the time I overheard members of my team talking about drinking wine on Thanksgiving, I had deduced that I was the youngest one on the shift. I felt small and unimportant as I went about recovering the sales floor, but I reminded myself that I did not get a job to meet people. I wanted to be able to save for my education. My supervisors however, seemed to notice that I was young because they frequently addressed me as "hun". To ease the stigma, I worked my tail end off untangling jewelry in the juniors' department or calling daily to see if any shifts were available. By the end of my seasonal position, my supervisors no longer denied me shifts or called me "hun", they called me "Aria".
Ahhhhh, ok. I asked you if you didn't have any other minority experience because this doesn't really grab me, but seeing as though you haven't responded to that I'm going to assume you haven't. So back to your actual essay.
Living in a household where neither of my parents achieved higher than an Associate's Degree has taught me one thing: my parents know nothing about the college application process. During my senior year, my mother encouraged me to go to a community college to save money as she believed that financial aid profiles were some sort of slick scam. After my eighteenth birthday in October of that year, I decided to assuage her fears by applying for a job at Macy's and saving my pay for college expenses. A week after applying , I had an interview and was hired on the spot. (first paragraph is ok, your second paragraph is what I have a prob with. )
I was shocked by how many people were between the ages of twenty and sixty-five. By the time I overheard members of my team talking about drinking wine on Thanksgiving, I had deduced that I was the youngest one on the shift. Ok, why would you be shocked, really? I don't think you need to say this here. What you could instead bring up is nervousness or apprehension because it was your first day.
p.s. This stuff is in green and red because I'd get annoyed if it were all in one colour. It's already so long, one colour would make reading it a daunting task. Also, you didn't mention before but what's the word limit for this essay?
look back on the experience and write down everything that happened while you worked at macy's. After this pin point all the things that can be related to your 'age minority' idea. Then after that try to analyze what each made you feel and how it affected you. After that write down your response to each situation. Create a time line,what came first and all that, and then maybe you'll see if the treatment you got remained the same or got worse because you were the youngest.Then after that you can start writing the second paragraph again incorporating everything that you've noticed about your experience after the analyzing and also talk about the catalyst to your decision to get rid of the 'prejudice' they had against you. Then how you went about doing so. Stop. Create a timeline again of each of the changes you made to yourself and also what you actually did differently at work. Also include your coworkers responses. Analyze again. When did the treatment you receive start to improve? and by how much did it improve. After analyzing you can try writing about the 'high' moment which is when things started getting better. What did you learn/gain from this experience? How did you grow as a person?
I have no idea if this'll help you and you don't have to and probably won't want to do it, but this is the method-bullet points, timelines, analyzing etc-I use when writing essays on ideas that I don't really have much 'flesh' for and it helps me.
No, I don't have any other minority experience :(
Ok, well, just try what I suggested? And we'll proceed from there. I'll be helping you as much as I can :) no worries, we've got time.
