Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (500 words)
The canopy of the evergreen trees failed to block the sight of the infinite sky. That's when I knew I had found the perfect place. I secured my 13-inch rocket to its fastener. I took a step back, held my breath, lit the wire extended to the combustion tank, and ran as fast as I could. It was like a dream, watching my creation skyrocket about 65 feet into the sky, only to be heart broken as it fell back into the welcoming arms of the Earth. Engineers create ideas that fail. My juvenile idea to get a rocket to Mars was my first failure, but I pursued research and focused on finding other ways to finally get there. All I needed was an opportunity.
As a mechanical engineering major at the University of Pennsylvania: School of Engineering, I hope to ignite my aspirations, just as I ignited my rocket. Penn offers programs such as, Advancing Women in Engineering because they understand the lack of women in the engineering field. It is so often that women are subjected to discrimination due to their gender, but more importantly how women are overlooked in this field, yet they have the power to engineer ideas. My opportunity came over the summer when I was selected to work with NASA in order to formulate the concept for a future Mars spacesuit. I thought of creating an exoskeleton framework around the structure of the spacesuit that would maintain the center of mass of the suit due to the planet's lower gravitational field. This simple, yet revolutionary idea caught the interest of NASA officials, and currently NASA is evaluating my ideas in order to create potential patents. Just as NASA gave me an opportunity to shine in my field, I hope to take advantage of the opportunity that AWE provides, to not only advance women in the field of engineering but also allocate my ideas in order to be recognized in this field. Although my rockets still lay buried in the ground they were first set off on, my ideas have landed on Mars.
Engineers learn from the works of others. By participating in research opportunities such as the Laboratory for Research on the Structure of Matter, I would be able to work with K.I. Winey whose research I follow closely, especially in her latest publications on the use of nanotechnology and electrospinning on its impact on fuel cells. The idea of using nanofibers sparks my interest because this new technology can further not only the field of engineering, but also the field of medicine. I noted that LRSM is a jointed program between three schools and 4 departments. I am ecstatic to know that Penn, just as I do, has a holistic view in academics. I believe that academics is not a study of individual curriculum, but of an integrated study that could further knowledge in every field of study.
Penn offers programs such as, Advancing Women in Engineering because they understand the lack of women in the engineering field. comma doesn't need to be there
It is so often that women are subjected to discrimination due to their gender, but more importantly how women are overlooked in this field,this just sort of repeats the first part of the sentence yet they have the power to engineer revolutionary ideas.
I think you have a decent conclusion there, but the transition from paragraph 2 to paragraph 3 is a little weird - the final sentence in paragraph 2 seems more like a conclusion to me, so you could probably just copy and paste it to the end of your essay and change it a bit to make sense
Do you think i should make paragraph 2, last? I'll read yours if you read mine :)
I feel as if it's not engaging, what should i do..
I'll edit yours if you edit mine :)
Thanks!! that really helped! Its down to 489 words wohoo!
Edited version: I feel that there is not a coherence between the acknowledgement for women's engineering abilities and your development for space suits. How can I incorporate my work with NASA to say that in order for ideas to become real your need opportunities. At Penn that opportunity would be from the research and AWE program... any suggestions?
I think the essay is great. It's exactly what they ask for and it's specific to Penn. Great stuff!
Thing is, UChicago doesn't have an engineering program. So I don't think it'll fly with them. Sorry! :P
Could you read my duke essay, too? I'd REALLY appreciate it. You're a great writer.
This is phenomenal. However, maybe I would add snippets of actual rocket knowledge. Anyone could have said that, but if you say a little more about that combustion or add in some rocket terminology, it will provide depth to your essay, so people know you're the real deal. Overall though, it's great. Keep it up.
I had originally done that but my word count went up :(
basically I want to use the same ideas found in this essay to write my essay for uc..
I'll read your essays now
