'I ignore the insults' - CommonApp supplement- extracurricular essay

Prompt; elaborate on an extracurricular activity

"No, no, no, just stop! You are not a caveman, so get that chin off the floor and pull your shoulders back! Get those thunder-thighs moving! And a Raz, Dva, Tri..." The voice of my coach grated in the background as I wiped the sweat off my chin where it threatened to fall on my leotard. I took a deep, shaky breath, frustration pricking my eyes. The insults I was used to, as the daily psychological conditioning our coaches implemented into our practices in a sort of survival of the fittest; if you could withstand the constant belittling of your appearance and intellect, going out in front of a panel of judges and performing was a piece of cake. Personally, I've long since learned to ignore the insults and listen for the helpful advice cleverly hidden beneath; besides doing wonders for my comprehensive reading in school, it also made me impervious to bullies in my preadolescent years.

Practice's tough, but on the competition floor... the opening tone of the music echoes in my ears as the world narrows down to my ribbon, the music, and me; moving as one through time and space as the rhythm echoes my heartbeat. Muscles uncoiling, electricity running through my veins, and a fierce, confident grin on my face, I fly.

Is it too abrupt? is it uninteresting, unoriginal? please, some feedback! sentence restructuring, grammar, everything. Thanks!

Try and keep your essay positive. So are you a ballerina? I am not sure. Take out your last paragraph. Instead put in how this made you grow as a person and how you while use your new qualities to have a better future.

I like the way you described the activity. But my only concern is that it's kind of unclear what extracurricular activity you participated.

"The insults I was used to, as the daily psychological conditioning our coaches implemented into our practices in a sort of survival of the fittest"

This part is kind of awkward too Maybe you should break it into two.

Could you help with mine? Thanks!

I need to put another comment to post my next essay. This is it. Enjoy it, soak it in. Judge me.

Hey Natalie,

The insults I was used to, as the daily psychological conditioning our coaches implemented into our practices in a sort of survival of the fittest---This bit by itself is a fragment and so i suggest you tweak around with the first part of the sentence and change it to " I was used to the insults, the daily psychological....

I can't find any other errors with grammar so i will go into the content of your essay. First of all, although i love the description at the end, you really have to tell us specifically what your extracurricular is. You shouldn't leave the adcoms guessing.

Secondly, if you do have liberty with words, I would add another instance from your life( in addition to the bullies) where your training has helped you. You could even do away with some of the story bit at the beginning since all that matters with this essay is the content.

Really good work, and it was definitely original and interesting to read.
Please Look Over My Upenn Supplement.

I think you have an interesting take on something most people would find very shocking and, well, mean. I would substitute the ellipsis with a comma. In the last sentence, I would put a period instead of a comma after face. That way you highlight I fly more.

implemented into our practices was a variation of 'survival of the fittest'

please help with my nyu one! thanks!