Hey all, I wrote a completely new essay because I was so unhappy with my last. I like this one a lot better, but it's 594 words. Any advice on what to cut down?
Welcome to the game called "most important night of your life". You only get one chance. Begin.
I swung open the large renaissance doors and walked into the banquet hall. The majestic room was illuminated by the dozens of Victorian chandeliers dangling elegantly from the 30 foot ceiling. "Welcome to the 23rd Annual Board of Governors Dinner," greeted the receptionist as she gave me my name tag. I shuffled between a group of students as I made my way towards the seat that was labeled "Junior Achievement Student Representative - IBM Branch"
Stage one - Etiquette Seminar.
"Three pumps, not too firm, not too limp, is a good handshake", said the posh etiquette counsellor on the stage. I turned to practice with a grey-haired gentleman beside me. I enthusiastically squeezed his hand and shook it three times, but he told me it was too firm. It sounded familiar - I've always been described as stubborn with firm beliefs. I shook his hand again, this time confidently but gently. "That's better," he smiled. Level cleared.
Stage two - Cocktail Hour.
The hall was filled to capacity with formally dressed businessmen and women, already engaged in conversation. I remembered the stage objective my Junior Achievement mentors had told me: make as many connections as possible in the next hour. This was a game making the best impression a starstruck, brace-faced teenager could make. Fortunately, I had an accomplice in this game. I linked arms with my new friend, Rashik, and dove into the sea of business executives. Our first target was a hulking man with a short-boxed beard who introduced himself as a Director at Manulife. After introducing myself, I asked him what the most valuable trait of a leader is. I was preparing to run for my student company's president position. "Vision," he answered, "you must show your company you can see the bigger picture". I was elated by his answer - I have always adored learning life lessons from people. I always kept a copy of Benjamin Franklin's chart of 13 virtues in my bag at all times. After obtaining his business card, Rashik and I re-entered the battlefield. I noticed a blond gentleman walking away from his previous conversation. I grabbed Rashik and caught up to him. "Excuse me," I said. He turned around and looked at us and lifted his eyebrows. "To be honest, my mentor instructed me to learn as much as I can from important looking people, and you look like what she was talking about," I blurted out. He laughed genuinely before asking us to tell him more ourselves. After an invigorating conversation, he gave us his business card and told us to email him. Stage Cleared.
Stage Three - Dinner
I instinctively cut my steak as I glued my eyes on the larger-than-life speaker who had ascended the stage. I took a quick glance at his bibliography I printed in preparation for the event. He was a CEO, a professor, and a founding chairman of a national entrepreneurial program. This was the hardest stage of all; I had to digest every word of this once-in-a-lifetime speech. I stopped all motion, anticipating the grandiloquent words of wisdom. However, I was astounded by his simple yet profound advice: "be uncomfortable - you only learn when you're constantly challenged." It seemed as if the words were directed to me. After all of the moments when I felt out of place in a sea of business executives with expensive haircuts, I was right where I belonged.
Stage cleared.
Level Up.
WOW. I've been plowing through a lot of essays today, but this one is incredible. I love the videogame metaphor/motif throughout, it does a really good job of unifying the whole essay. At the end of the stage one thing though, you say level up, not stage up.
You might be able to trim a bit in the second paragraph, you seem to suffer a bit from overuse of adjectives. You also might be able to distill the second anecdote down to a single sentence on how you picked your targets for business card extraction.
Good luck!
