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The most important section in a student's live (personal statement for CUHK)



karenL 1 / 3  
Oct 26, 2016   #1
Please help with my personal statement! Correcting grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes are fine! Let me know how can I improve it! Thanks!

Motivation :Why faculty of Business Administration
With my parents both engaging in business companies, this makes me to be curious about the dynamic business world since I was little. Ever since then, I have kept a habit of paying close attention to business news, and also aiming to study in a prestigious business school in the future. When I knew that Taiwanese student is able to study in Hong Kong via GSAT, I was really exultant. I can't think of a better place than Hong Kong to study business, as it is a cosmopolitan city with global perspectives, and also due to the geographic position, it is also a bustling financial hub with many potentials. CUHK, a forward-looking comprehensive research university with a global vision caught my attention at first sight, also it's unique college system and the campus environment fascinated me a lot. Three of my program choices are all related to business and I have chosen Integrated BBA as my first program choice ,What makes me eager to studying this program is not only the mass concentrations it provided, but also it will equip me with both broad-based knowledge and expertise in specific professions. Moreover, with the all-around internship programs, I can get a well-rounded hands on education, which will enable me to look directly into my future. Therefore, I have been dreaming to become a member of CUHK.

Extracurricular activities
Outside academic life, I have involved in many extracurricular activities.
In high school, I joined in a dessert club and I am the vice-president and also the Financial directer. Not only we teach the club members how to make delectable snacks, but also we held a plenty of activities.When it comes to cooperate with other schools, not only does it helps me create a more fluid leadership, but also I've gained the concept of listen, communicate and organize. In addition, these experiences allowed me to realize how essential time management is, which helps me to stay focus on my goals and will help me set up my priorities. Furthermore, being the person who is in charge of the fund is tough but challenge. This role requires a thorough logical thinking and practicality, which is helping me improve my arithmetic ability. I used to be a reckless and careless person, however, during the process, I have learnt to hold a cautious attitude toward everything I'm doing.

Running, not only an exercise which helps me reduce pressure, but has also helped me understand how perseverance and determination will lead a road to success. I used to be a member of a track and field team before. Every time when competing with others, I can not only build self-esteem but also drives me to learn at a faster rate and perform at a higher level, so I will try my best in every competition. However,when it comes to failure and exhaustion, neither do I feel frustrated but I have learnt to take defeat well and push myself harder to extract my potential.

I plan to continue my interest in participating various kinds of activities in college, but the most important is that maintain a balance between activities and studies.Those I have learnt during extracurricular activities is of paramount importance to me, which truly reinforce my desire of studying business in university.

Conclusion
I know that studying business may be highly demanding, but I consider myself as a capable and hard-working person who will try the best to grasp every challenge forward, I believe that I will present a fantastic performance. Not only will I make a big progress at a personal level but also will be one step closer to build a foundation for a successful business in the future.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15385  
Oct 26, 2016   #2
Karen, I am wondering if your personal statement for this application has instructions that it should be divided into separate sections? Doing that doesn't make this a free flowing and involving essay. The discussion is almost bullet point like and really boring to read. Remember, formatting of your paper will help keep the interest of the reviewer, so dividing it into sections, when not necessary removes the continuity in presentation for the reader. Try to write this as a normal, paragraph divided instead of topic divided essay.

Don't you have a guide question or prompt to help you develop your personal statement? At the moment, this sounds more like a rigid Q&A instead of an application essay. That said, your motivation for studying business administration needs to be better developed. The choice of attending CUHK should not be discussed as part of the motivation for your choice if college major's. That is something that is best answered in one of the other common app essays (if provided).

If you want this essay to become more interesting to the reader, you need to relax and just talk about yourself. Not in this academic manner, but rather on a personal level that shows personal side. The information you provide is too stringent and academic. A personal statement is your chance to relax and just let the reviewer know about your fun side in relation to your potential college attendance. Look over the examples of similar essays here if you need an example to follow.
OP karenL 1 / 3  
Nov 3, 2016   #3
@Holt
I have seen some of the former personal statement (for cuhk) and it seems that everyone uses the same pattern,so I thought that this would be okay

I will change it into a paragraphed decided (for another school I am applying )

"Cuhk should not be discussed as part of the motivation for your choice if college major's". I can't understand this

Great thanks!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15385  
Nov 4, 2016   #4
What i mean is that you cannot base your major solely on the choice of the university that you want to attend. In the essay, you say that you major in Business Administration. That means that you have a background or early life exposure to this field of study or business. Therefore the majority of your response should refer to your personal reasons for your choice of college major. You can actually attend any university that offers this degree. What should matter then, are the reasons why you think you will succeed as a graduate of this course. The choice of university, should not factor strongly in this decision until later on. So, personal reasons first, ambitions for your future in relation to this career next, choice of university, that is last on the priority list for discussion.


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