Hey! Really close to deadline, so any help appreciated!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from ― for example, your family, community or school ― and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
OF TWO LANDS
My nationality is up for grabs.
It has been since I moved to India after seven years of an idyllic American childhood; since I realized I could see beyond the flaws of India, beyond its stark juxtaposition of opulence and abject poverty. I'm made painfully aware of my landlessness when somebody asks me which country I'm from. I shrug sheepishly, since they always expect me to give just one answer. I avoid the question for as long as I can, and then give the exceedingly vague answer I had carefully formulated; I was half Indian.
But which half of me belongs in India?
Academically, living in India has played a formative role in defining my interests. The jarring vividity of Indian culture intoxicated me, leaving me with a desire to understand it further. I developed keen interests in the history, political structure and economy of the land I once believed was forced upon me; and as I grew up these interests diversified. My self-proclaimed dual nationality granted me impartiality; I felt I could better evaluate situations. Paradoxically, living in India prevented any of these interests from becoming subjects of formal high school study. India stigmatizes children studying humanities, forcing students with the slightest scientific inclination to study the 'hard sciences' that would guarantee them a job. Although I was figuratively forced into studying the natural sciences, my curriculum fostered a fascination with physics and chemistry. Concepts like Schrodinger's cat and relativity intrigue me, and drive me to study further. The variety of my interests made me despair of ever finding one field I would want to study further, until I comprehended the role of mathematics in all of them. Math is my latest passion, and the convergence of fourteen years of education; it's the one field that is truly representative of the person I am and the interests I have, and so one I want to excel in.
On the other hand, I never memorize formulae, but derive them during a test. My sentence structure and spelling sometimes drift away from British convention. The quality of my assignments matter just as much as the grade of my final examination; I don't work just to amass marks. Within my academic context, I can see the influence of India; to people around me, I seem to stick out as a bit of a wild child.
In terms of my personality, I think I'm stuck in the middle. I pick up litter at self-serve restaurants. I can't tolerate spicy food. I blatantly question my teachers. I rarely, if ever, talk to my extended family. The only language I really speak well is English, although I've picked up hints of other dialects. For better or for worse, I stand out from the stereotypical perception of an Indian. However, in many ways, my situation allows me to be more Indian than a lot of people in cosmopolitan Bangalore. I travel by trains to see historically significant temples. I make an effort to learn local languages, and I can understand at least four. I've learnt both Karnatic and Hindustani music. I study Hindu mythology just because its complexity mesmerizes me. These aspects of my personality are inexorably intertwined.
The cultures of both my countries have played formative roles in my development, and I cannot trivialize that by disregarding my connection with either one. I can never name one country I'm from, but why do I have to? Why can't I just say that I'm from both?
Hey,
I love "But which half of me belongs to India?" It shows you're not afraid to question yourself.
There are lots of big words I don't understand, which means your essay's good :P
Your last line is definitely strong- and I like the fact that you leave the reader trying to answer that question "Why can't I just say that I'm from both?"
I think it flows really nicely, and your points link well with the previous paragraph.
The one thing I would say is maybe "dumb" some of the words down a bit- things like "inexorably intertwined" is a bit much.
Other than that I think it's great :)
Good luck!
Thanks a lot!
I've actually got that feedback before, I'll try to work on it. Thanks for pointing it out!
I think you should add something about what you plan to do in college and what area of interest you would like to pursue.It would enhance the essay in answering the prompt.Overall,it's a really good essay!
Good Luck :)
Alright, thank you! I'll work on that.
perhaps a little late, but i'm still critiquing...i feel that some parts of the essay are a little stereotypical "i cannot tolerate spicy food"..however i guess indians are "blessed" with this ability (read my commonapp essay and you'll know) i think one of the site's contributors noted that it might offend some AO readers..but i guess the ones i used were a little harsher than yours so don;t worry, even though i did not intend to use those sentences as stereotypes
on the whole, i think the essay flows pretty well. don't worry about the minor details because the AO only have time to look at the big picture..if your essays can do that quickly, then your good to go...i said all of that to say this..i feel that your essay is more focussed on india and that "side of you"...when you say "But which half of me belongs in India?" you are setting up the readers for a balanced answer [this is one of the topics i am starting to see so very frequently after the contributor noted it in my essay] anyway don't bother about this if you feel you essay is good enough to give the big picture
Not an official comment but you say that you often stray away from the british/indian convention...but then you said "I don't work just to amass marks"..marks, really! thats pretty indiany/britishy...how about grades lol..you might probably rule this one out as being a rubbish comment and it really is one..but it just popped to me because i have, after all, studied in india
don't forget to critique my commonapp essay :)
First off, don't worry about it being late, a lot of colleges want similar topics, I was planning on using this again anyway. Plus I don't like it or the edited down version I sent in much cause of the topic. So any critique's appreciated.:)
Unfortunately, I hadn't the words to talk about my Americanness. Plus, I've lived in India for far too long now, it's the easier half to quantify. And, coincidentally, I had removed the 'spicy food' bit cause of the word limit. Plus, I think I intended to bring up a bunch of stereotypes and show how they applied to me.
Annnnd good point:) I'll go change that for future submissions.
Thanks a lot!
This is the best-written essay I've seen on this forum so far. Honestly. Just some hiccups.
How about "the disparity between opulence and poverty" instead of "beyond its stark juxtaposition of opulence and abject poverty".
While this statement may be true, it sounds overly condescending, maybe you can be more PC here: "India stigmatizes children studying humanities, forcing students with the slightest scientific inclination to study the 'hard sciences' that would guarantee them a job."
"figuratively forced". Meh. Get rid of figuratively.
"made me despair of ever finding one field". The grammar here isn't right. Maybe something like "made me lose any hopes of ever finding a field". Get advice about this from some teacher maybe.
The reason for the contrast here "On the other hand, I never memorize formulae, but derive them during a test." wasn't quite clear at first. American readers may not immediately get the reference that Indian education stresses rote-based learning. Maybe make your thesis statement clearer here.
That's a powerful ending. And if you use bombastic vocabulary in real life, then go ahead and use it here, don't remove it. It sounds like your natural voice, and isn't misused anywhere.
I would appreciate some feedback on my essay too. You seem like a good writer, so I would like to know what you think about the essay linked to below.
Much appreciated boost of confidence, especially when my father just looked at this and said "Wow, this is seriously mediocre..."
I'll fix that or further submissions, thanks a lot!
And, just as an aside, I do speak like this. "juxtaposition of opulence and abject poverty" was actually smething I used in conversation, with a 'grandiose' in the middle, so it's difficult for me to find different ways to express myself... thanks for pointing it out though!
