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'ALL INDIA RANK' - NUS ADMISSION - talent, a personal experience or an activity


arpitjain 1 / 2  
Mar 5, 2010   #1
can you help me cut short this essay by 400 char....
the question is:

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.(2000 char)

the essay is:

I have grown in scientific atmosphere with temper of reasoning and logic. Both my parents are Scientists, working in R & D aerospace laboratories. Hence, science has fascinated me all through my school learning, with inquisitiveness for deeper knowledge on how different machines work. I have deep passion for innovative development and feel that combining these interests with a world class institution like NUS will enable me to take a firm foothold and embark on a career in engineering.

I try hard to get into different grooves and love to take challenges. I had represented BANGALORE REGION in the KVS NATIONAL SPORTS MEET-2008, in LAWN TENNIS. I had to defeat the gold medalist of the previous year in the selection round. I told myself not to throw things into the towel that easily. I put things into perspective and my perseverance paid off when these consistent efforts helped me defeat him.

I had received a CERTIFICATE OF MERIT for securing INTERNATIONAL RANK 269 in the INTERNATIONAL MATHEMATICS OLYMPIAD 2008 competing with the best brains of the world.
I had been awarded a cash prize of Rs 5000/- for obtaining 1st position in the vision talent search examination-2008 competing with regional toppers and thousands of other students.

I have received a cash prize of Rs 5000/- from CBSE for being amongst the top 100 in CBSE BOARD EXAMINATIONS 2008 ALL INDIA.
I have also received a cash award for securing ALL INDIA RANK 14 by KVS in the CBSE BOARD EXAMINATION 2008.
I also received CASH AWARDS and CERTIFICATES OF MERIT from DIRECTOR GENERAL, CSIR for exceptional performance in studies and extra curricular activities.
Overcoming these challenges taught me about persistence and about being unfaltering in the face of adversities. Today, I always seek to motivate myself, despite the daunting challenges that line up in my path. I never let myself get diverted from the path to achieve the goals that matter most to me.

Leadership would definitely help me in any area in any course, as in organizing my work, studies and even having good bond and relationship within classmates without any conflict. I have always cherished the idea of team work. My achievements in SCOUTING have helped me gain these leadership skills and the idea of working as a team.

By joining the NUS community, I know that I will once again find myself in an environment that is presented with rewarding challenges. With the "never quit" attitude I developed triumphing over difficulties, I believe these values and beliefs will help me excel and succeed in the future.
ginny2345 12 / 22  
Mar 6, 2010   #2
i like the overall approach of your essay. there are always ways to shorten your essay. try to delete something that doesnt take away the overall idea that you are trying to convey. i think that you should find briefer ways to describe ur achievements- just a suggestion

goodluck
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 7, 2010   #3
Don't capitalize Scientists here.
Both my parents are scientists , working in R & D aerospace laboratories. Hence, science has fascinated me all through my school learning, with inquisitiveness for deeper knowledge on how different machines work.----- this logic seems faulty. The fact that your parents work in aerospace labs does not necessarily mean you will be fascinated. The word hence implies that it follows naturally that you would be fascinated. I guess I think you should take an approach that does not suggest that you feel like your parents' work somehow makes you better prepared than other applicants. If I was the AO reader, I would scrutinize you a little because of this. You know what?! I think the word "hence" is what I don't like! Try revising without the word hence! :-) I'm sorry I can't explain what I mean very well.

This essay includes too many points. If I asked you to tell me what the essay was about in a single sentence of 10 words or less, what would the sentence be? Make sure it is an interesting sentence! When you know that sentence, you'll know the focus and theme of your essay. When you know those things, you will know what to cut; cut what does not support your theme for the essay.

Is your theme unwavering focus? leadership? fascination with science? a particular kind of innovative design? You need one big theme that will stick in the reader's mind. Express it at the beginning and also at the end of the essay.

:-)
OP arpitjain 1 / 2  
Mar 8, 2010   #4
i need to tell the reader about my achievements and also how much i fascinate to get into nus.
i guess i should delete this line:

Both my parents are Scientists, working in R & D aerospace laboratories.hence,

any more suggestions on how to tell the reader about my achievements.also , does 2000 characters include space
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 9, 2010   #5
does 2000 characters include space

I don't know the answer to this, so I asked in the "student talk" forum:

I don't think it's necessary to delete the part about your parents being scientists. I just think the word "hence" seems smug, and that it seems to hurt your credibility. Instead of saying, hence, I am interested in science, you can write a sentence about how their work fascinated you and made you want to learn.

Good luck!!
OP arpitjain 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2010   #6
ok thank u...but can u still help me shorten the essay by 100 200 chars
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 11, 2010   #7
I had received a CERTIFICATE OF MERIT for securing INTERNATIONAL RANK 269 in the INTERNATIONAL MATHEMATICS OLYMPIAD 2008 competing with the best brains of the world.
I had been awarded a cash prize of Rs 5000/- for obtaining 1st position in the vision talent search examination-2008 competing with regional toppers and thousands of other students.
I have received a cash prize of Rs 5000/- from CBSE for being amongst the top 100 in CBSE BOARD EXAMINATIONS 2008 ALL INDIA.
I have also received a cash award for securing ALL INDIA RANK 14 by KVS in the CBSE BOARD EXAMINATION 2008.
I also received CASH AWARDS and CERTIFICATES OF MERIT from DIRECTOR GENERAL, CSIR for exceptional performance in studies and extra curricular activities.

Well, this stuff is very cumbersome. I think you can use semi-colons to eliminate characters:

Because of my tenacity, I experienced several successes: received a CERTIFICATE OF MERIT for securing INTERNATIONAL RANK 269 in the INTERNATIONAL MATHEMATICS OLYMPIAD 2008 competing with the best brains of the world; was awarded a cash prize of Rs 5000/- for obtaining 1st position in the vision talent search examination-2008 competing with regional toppers and thousands of other students; I received a cash prize of Rs 5000/- from CBSE for being amongst the top 100 in CBSE BOARD EXAMINATIONS 2008 ALL INDIA, and also for securing ALL INDIA RANK 14 by KVS in the CBSE BOARD EXAMINATION 2008; received CASH AWARDS and CERTIFICATES OF MERIT from DIRECTOR GENERAL, CSIR for exceptional performance in studies and extra curricular activities.

ut this stuff above... isn't it included in your transcript already? Maybe it is not necessary to include this stuff in the essay.

You wrote "cash aware" lots of times. Maybe you can take that out in a few places.


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