Can I please get feedback on my essay. I would really appreciate it if anyone can look it over. Thanks!
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1)Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2)Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
My initial interest in naval service came from the death of my Tata. I never understood his service to my county because he died when I was young, but as I learned of his heroic contributions, I got a burning desire to want to serve as well. He had fought in WWII as a guerilla fighter in the Philippines alongside the US Navy. After WWII, he enlisted into the Navy and began as a steward and then after the Korean and Vietnam Wars he retired as a Chief Master-at-Arms. Then, he served as a jailer for the Long Beach Police Department for 22 years. When I became aware of his military history I was astounded and he instantly became one of the greatest influences in my desire to serve. He stood out to me as someone with discipline, fortitude, and integrity which I feel the Academy will help me develop.
My long range goals are to have a career in naval service, to become a better leader, and to develop myself to achieve the full amount of my greatness. I believe that the Naval Academy will help me achieve my goals because the Academy is based on forming the leaders of tomorrow, today. I know I will be pushed beyond my limits and I will fail, but it is all in order for me to learn from the mistakes and gain the experience to make myself better. I know that the Academy will make me a better leader because in every aspect of every day I will be challenged to make decisions as a leader does and with the intense amount of practice and experience, I will be able to grow into a man who can lead with integrity and honor. My high school is loosely based on the same concepts of the Academy, with the exception of military service: therefore, I believe that with the foundations I have now, the Naval Academy will help push and develop me to become great in all aspects.
When I was a freshman I would hang out with a certain group from the class above me. For some reason, I was ridiculously entranced by their charisma and friendliness. I wanted to be just like them and hang out with them on the weekends as if we were old childhood friends. However, when I became a sophomore they started to distance themselves from me a little and when we would go volunteer at our school's weekly soup kitchen they would leave me out of their conversations. Then, one day I figured out what was so different about them. They had discovered the relaxing herb that has plagued members of my generation; they entered the intoxicating land of marijuana. When I found out what they were doing, I was torn between many emotions: anger, denial, and depression. They were my first real friends and I looked up to them for advice and companionship. Therefore, I did not know how to handle this situation. So, I stopped hanging out with them. But, I did it slowly and methodically. I made sure that they knew I was not judging them, but that I was just busy. Unfortunately, my self- inflicted exile did not last and I soon rejoined them. I soon began to tolerate their actions and accepted them for what they were doing because they did not force it upon me. They never offered me the drug because they knew that I was straight and that I had my own agenda that did not include smoking.
As the year went on, I got more curious about their adventures because they never ceased to indulge my appetite of what they did, where they went, and significantly, how they felt. My curiosity would build up so much so that I would pressure them to let me try it and experience what the "cool kids" where doing. Unfortunately, one night the leader of my companions let me in on the secret of the pipe. I had smoked. I broke my will power and I felt ashamed of myself. My head was full of disappointment and anger. So, when school had concluded and I went off for our leadership retreat, I confided this secret to my adult mentors. I told them that I could no longer see my friends be consumed by this wasteful habit that they had picked up. I shared this information with our school's councilor and she took control of the matter. I felt relieved to finally have this stressful burden off my shoulders. It made me very weary for the two years that I had carried this secret and now I knew that I had done well. When I gave that information, the leader of our group was tested and he came positive. They put him in the programs and I was happy that my friend was getting help. Over the past two years that he had been on the substances, he had gotten in trouble with a dangerous drug dealer and when he told me that, I knew that I had to be the agent of change in his life. In order to save him, I needed to do something that as a sophomore; is very difficult.
This experience definitely contributed to my character development because I became empowered. However, it did not empower me for personal gain, but it gave me the strength to know when my friends truly were in trouble and when they needed help. I no longer felt afraid because I became strong. I had developed my integrity into something honorable. I became fearless.
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1)Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2)Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
My initial interest in naval service came from the death of my Tata. I never understood his service to my county because he died when I was young, but as I learned of his heroic contributions, I got a burning desire to want to serve as well. He had fought in WWII as a guerilla fighter in the Philippines alongside the US Navy. After WWII, he enlisted into the Navy and began as a steward and then after the Korean and Vietnam Wars he retired as a Chief Master-at-Arms. Then, he served as a jailer for the Long Beach Police Department for 22 years. When I became aware of his military history I was astounded and he instantly became one of the greatest influences in my desire to serve. He stood out to me as someone with discipline, fortitude, and integrity which I feel the Academy will help me develop.
My long range goals are to have a career in naval service, to become a better leader, and to develop myself to achieve the full amount of my greatness. I believe that the Naval Academy will help me achieve my goals because the Academy is based on forming the leaders of tomorrow, today. I know I will be pushed beyond my limits and I will fail, but it is all in order for me to learn from the mistakes and gain the experience to make myself better. I know that the Academy will make me a better leader because in every aspect of every day I will be challenged to make decisions as a leader does and with the intense amount of practice and experience, I will be able to grow into a man who can lead with integrity and honor. My high school is loosely based on the same concepts of the Academy, with the exception of military service: therefore, I believe that with the foundations I have now, the Naval Academy will help push and develop me to become great in all aspects.
When I was a freshman I would hang out with a certain group from the class above me. For some reason, I was ridiculously entranced by their charisma and friendliness. I wanted to be just like them and hang out with them on the weekends as if we were old childhood friends. However, when I became a sophomore they started to distance themselves from me a little and when we would go volunteer at our school's weekly soup kitchen they would leave me out of their conversations. Then, one day I figured out what was so different about them. They had discovered the relaxing herb that has plagued members of my generation; they entered the intoxicating land of marijuana. When I found out what they were doing, I was torn between many emotions: anger, denial, and depression. They were my first real friends and I looked up to them for advice and companionship. Therefore, I did not know how to handle this situation. So, I stopped hanging out with them. But, I did it slowly and methodically. I made sure that they knew I was not judging them, but that I was just busy. Unfortunately, my self- inflicted exile did not last and I soon rejoined them. I soon began to tolerate their actions and accepted them for what they were doing because they did not force it upon me. They never offered me the drug because they knew that I was straight and that I had my own agenda that did not include smoking.
As the year went on, I got more curious about their adventures because they never ceased to indulge my appetite of what they did, where they went, and significantly, how they felt. My curiosity would build up so much so that I would pressure them to let me try it and experience what the "cool kids" where doing. Unfortunately, one night the leader of my companions let me in on the secret of the pipe. I had smoked. I broke my will power and I felt ashamed of myself. My head was full of disappointment and anger. So, when school had concluded and I went off for our leadership retreat, I confided this secret to my adult mentors. I told them that I could no longer see my friends be consumed by this wasteful habit that they had picked up. I shared this information with our school's councilor and she took control of the matter. I felt relieved to finally have this stressful burden off my shoulders. It made me very weary for the two years that I had carried this secret and now I knew that I had done well. When I gave that information, the leader of our group was tested and he came positive. They put him in the programs and I was happy that my friend was getting help. Over the past two years that he had been on the substances, he had gotten in trouble with a dangerous drug dealer and when he told me that, I knew that I had to be the agent of change in his life. In order to save him, I needed to do something that as a sophomore; is very difficult.
This experience definitely contributed to my character development because I became empowered. However, it did not empower me for personal gain, but it gave me the strength to know when my friends truly were in trouble and when they needed help. I no longer felt afraid because I became strong. I had developed my integrity into something honorable. I became fearless.