Trying to answer the prompt regarding what I will contribute to UCFI have begun to notice a dramatic difference in my lifestyle and that of my friends. I have come to realize the momentous impact of the decisions I make now in life; I am forging the path my life will take. My peers still appear to have a lackadaisical lifestyle, simply watching as the world spins around them. I have grasped the concept that I must take the initiative and take action in order for my goals to come to fruition.
Realizing that every decision makes a difference, I have developed the characteristic of intense leadership for myself. Slowly I have found the ability to ignore peer pressure, allowing only my inner characteristics and morals to shape my life. Utilizing my strong work ethic, I went out after wrestling practice looking for employment, five days a week. Times were hard economically and no one was hiring, but with perseverance, I continued my effort and kept up the search. I finally landed my present job at Papa John's and really put forth an effort. Within a month, my supervisor took notice of my hard work and promoted me to Shift Leader. I enjoy working my way up, learning new things and balancing the things that are important to me; school, wrestling, work and my family. I know that although it will take time and effort, I can do the same in the UCF Community. I will start by joining organizations such as Volunteer UCF, working hard to improve campus life in every way I can.
I'veI have begu n to notice a dramatic difference between the way I live my lifein my life and that of my friend' s.
I have come to the realization of the immeasurable importance of the decisions we make now in life, that we are forging the path our lives will take. Others still appear to have a lackadaisical lifestyle, simply watching as the world spins around them.
^Hmmm..You say 'we', and then in the next sentence 'others'. Who, or what groups of people, are you specifically referring to? Also, how did you just come to this realization?
I have grasped the concept that I must take the initiative and take action in order for my goals to come to fruition,from the most simple to the complex.
^Most simple to complex actions or goals?
Realizing that every decision makes a difference, I have developed a characteristic of intense leadership for myself. I am beginning to live my life to the fullest.
^Living your life to the fullest, is your definition of 'intense leadership?'
That is alright. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretations of intense leadership. However, the ambiguity in 'living life to the fullest' is something else. Some people could interpret that as just partying twenty four seven. Whilst that is cool, you need to consider if this is the assumption you want the Admissions Committee to have about you...
People can come to this assumption, seeing as how you have not actually defined by what you mean when you say you are living life to it's fullest.
I have only recently allowed my inner characteristics to shine through. One example of this was my attempt to get a job. The restaurant where I had been working closed. For months I went out after wrestling practice looking for employment. Times were really hard economically and no one was hiring, but I kept going time after time. I finally landed my present job at Papa John's and I'mI am thrilled. I have strived to develop my skill at forming a mound of dough into a delectable pizza. Within a month my general manager and supervisor took notice of my continuous improvements and the effort I put into all of the other components of the restaurant. I'mI am now shift supervisor and it feels great .
Although I know this is part-time summer job, I'm proud of it and I believe that this shows my strong work ethic, as do my grades .
^So which inner characteristics did you allow to 'shine through'? You do not go into detail about them, let alone mention any other besides strong work ethic. Perhaps then, it should be 'characteristic'.
I will make a good Knight and contribute to the UCF community by being the best me I can be.
^Is that really your ending?
Thanks. Will revise
After revising what you've already written, per Liebe's suggestions, be sure to add new material directly addressing the question: What will you contribute to the UCF community. What you've got now lays the groundwork, establishing who you are and what your experience has been. But you have yet to say specifically how you will contribute to the UCF community. Look at the student groups and community service projects that are active on that campus now. Will you join one or more of those? Will you start a new organization or project? What, exactly, will you do to contribute to the UCF community?
In fact, if the essay prompt merely asks you to talk about what you will contribute to the UCF community, then you might skip the groundwork, or at least greatly condense it, and write an essay that is more on topic. Likely the material you have now can find a home in an essay on another prompt.
Did a complete rewrite. Let me know what you think
"Dramatic" difference, "momentous" impact, "intense" leadership... these all seem a bit, um, dramatic for the simple fact of having and doing well at a part-time job. Also, I'm not sure about the self-referential introduction, in which you describe writing the essay.
Anybody else? Thoughts?
