UC Essay about Inspiration as a teacher

This is my first draft and I would really appreaciate any help on the flow of ideas.How could I make a stronger point?
Uc prompt 2 Tell us about a quality,attribute or accomplishment that makes you proud

On a scale of one to ten I would be very lucky if I get one and a half. Next to me lays a pile of hollowed marrows wounded beyond repair. Ehsan, who is right beside me, performs one more time, effortlessly running her hands across the circumference of the top part, then with one movement getting out the insides. "Now try again." She says patiently.

Usually, I am the one sitting on the side, urging people to try just one more time. In the beginning I took up teaching to show students knowledge the way I saw it, a way to understand life and to be part of it. If only I could be good enough to show them how it feels to find the missing links- to discover and understand the rules, the equations and nuances of feelings... I wanted to be a good teacher, because I felt that I may be able to help people find inspiration in the pristine nature of learning.

Yet to really make a difference, I had to forget about knowledge the way I saw it, , and help my classmates discover their own links and meaning for themselves, separately. It meant that I had to discard my experiences and look at everything in a new light, from each student's point of view. It was as if a wall had collapsed, I wanted to truly understand the people around me, to teach them to find the relevancy in between.

As Ehsan and I sat on the white marble stairs she told me of the first time she made dough for bread and the pride she felt. She told me of the days she worked so hard to make sure she will have food the next day. She told me the road she walked everyday until I could see it right in front of me. She was 40 years older than me, our lives completely different. Yet hearing her talk gave me insight about how she saw life.

As a teacher, I don't want to be bound by walls. When I understood my classmates significant experiences contributed to different interpretations, I was driven to discover what these forces were. First I had to overcome my own struggle to make sense of things I was afraid from or couldn't relate to. The more I manage to defy that, the better teacher I will become. As everyday goes by I get reminded about the beauty of change, and the latent power of it.

She prods me with her hand." You're not concentrating."
"Come on you know I'm not good with my hands!"
"Try your best now, you will get it."
I didn't think I could relate to cooking, but I found within it,like I found with many other things I tried, a connection, an insight to a new life. I held in my hand a ripe marrow, hollowed to perfection.

The overall idea of the essay is very interesting I think the first paragraph is confusing though so maybe reword some of the sentences to make it more clear.

Throughout the paper there are small issues that are grammatically correct but would be better if rephrased such as "In the beginning I took up teaching to," you could instead just say something like I began teaching to... and finish the sentence.

i agree the first paragraph is a little confusing but i like the overall concept of relating cooking to teaching. also maybe you should talk more about how Ehsan inspired you to change your way of teaching and how with cooking you have to do the same thing.

I think its pretty good you just need to make the first paragraph a little sharper as to what you are taking about

Thanks guys! I actually decided to re-write the whole thing because it seems too vague.

Its 2:00 pm . The tiny room is empty except for a couple of chairs.

She approaches me, " Sarah...Are you sure you can do this?" her eyes try to read my expression. I don't answer her. Her question makes me remember the first time I tried teaching.

"I will never be good at this", Ashley said with absolute conviction. "Why not? ", I ask as she folds her last exam report." I almost failed." She replies with dejection

I offered to help her study every weekend. While I saw poetry as a beautiful reflection of thought, Ashley felt trapped and confused. Every week I would try something new to help her relate to poetry. I would ask her to draw something, and then ask tell to describe the drawing- linking that feeling of ineffability- to poems that describe nature. I would sing them out, or create a unique story. Week after week, Ashley discovered that she was wrong, that in fact she could get it. I had my own discovery too, because I found out that I loved teaching, there was a fulfilling a satisfaction when I saw a change in my friend's eyes - a passion that I managed to transmute.

I loved knowledge: the pristine nature of it, the links been the information we use and the real world. I didn't see it as random facts ,but as points on a circle, each followed by another, each equally important.

When I get on the board that is what I try to do : to show students how the nuances of feelings in poetry may be linked to the exhilaration after winning a match, or painting. To make equations seem less daunting, most importantly to prove that there should be no walls in learning.

When I moved to Egypt, I found that people who could not afford private education had very few opportunities for improvement. I could not go on knowing that there was something I may do to change that, and not try. So for weeks I spent many sleepless nights planning how I would manage to inspire these girls to see the light in knowledge, to realize within it that they have more potential than they knew.

Now as the charity head asks the question, I look at her, this time meeting her eyes:

"yes I believe I can."