"interested in Computer Engineering" - Drexel Essay.

Why are you interest in this major?

Why am I interested in Computer Engineering? I have never given it many thoughts before; however, when I sat down in front of my computer to write this essay, the reasons leapt right into my head as fast as a speeding bullet. In our technology demanding world, computer is one of the most important instruments. It helps link the world together by communication and provide quick information and news, whether from how to make pancakes or to how to build a miniature airplane. When I was eleven years old, my first computer broke, so I went to my uncle, an electronic repairer, to get my computer fix. I saw him open apart my desktop computer. With a few minutes to analyze, he found the problem. It was my cooler that has stopped working because it was burnt. As he replaces a new fan and some parts, he briefly described to me every computer parts and its function. You wouldn't believe how fast I learn it. From that day on, I spent a lot of times with my uncle until I left Vietnam to move to United State. I promised him that I will become a computer specialist, and that one day I will teach him new information about computer as he have taught me when I was young. I am interested in this major because I want to improve, create, and manufacture computer's components that will improve computer performances and make computer more convenient to use. I strongly believe that Drexel University will guide me and provide me with intelligence that I need to succeed.

I need someone to help me revise this paragraph and paraphrase it so it seems scholarly. This is my first written draft. So what do you guys think?

Hey Viet,

Okay first of all lets remove this from the equation. Grammar. You have to work on it.
Example:-
"With a few minutes to analyze, he found the problem. It was my cooler that has (had) stopped working because it was burnt."

There are more grammatical inconsistencies by the way.

Second. Whats your word limit ? If its more than 200 then I think you should write more. This was a very basic example and I think you should elaborate on your feelings towards computer engineering.Remember, you are trying to show Drexels that you are unique. And this example does not really illustrate on that. More powerful unique examples would help you more.

Third. Vocabulary. You need to make the essay sound a little more, well, scholarly.

Okay , my final note isn't related to your essay at all. You can ignore this piece of advice but as a mechanical engineer myself with a lot of friends in the computer and electronics department, this essay makes me think that you are more interested in electronics engineering. Comp sci and comp engg don't concentrate a lot on the manufacturing of hardware. Thats an electronics engineer's job. I think you should ask yourself what you're really interested in and do more research on these two facets of engineering.

I have never given it many thoughts before; however, when I sat down in front of my computer to write this essay, the reasons leapt right into my head as fast as a speeding bullet. I like this introduction, but I don't think you should include it. It is better to boldly tell them the reasons why you choose this as your path, and tell them you have given it a lot of thought.

In our technology demanding world, computer is one of the most important instruments. Do not state the obvious.

It helps link the world together by communication and provide quick information and news, whether from how to make pancakes or to how to build a miniature airplane . Do not state the obvious.

When I was eleven years old, my first computer broke, so I went to my uncle, an electronic repairer, to get my computer fix. I saw him open apart my desktop computer. With a few minutes to analyze, he found the problem. It was my cooler that has stopped working because it was burnt. As he replaces replaced the fan and some other parts, he briefly described to me every computer parts part and its function. You wouldn't believe how fast I learned it. From that day on, I spent ...

I like the story, but I hope you will tell the reader about some articles you have been reading, some current developments in the field of comp. sci. and your particular areas of interest and specialization. Tell us all about what YOU are going to do NOW that you are entering the field :-)