"an international student from Germany" - WHY columbia? CommonApp

Hey everyone! I am an international student from Germany and would be really greatful for some feedback on my essay for the Columbia Supplement!
Thank you for your help!

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:

As an international student from Germany, Columbia University instantly appealed to me as an academically rigorous institution. While continuing my research, it became clear to me that Columbia offers much more than just a splendid reputation. Columbia's diverse student body enticed my attention and somehow made me feel welcome. I would enjoy to study at a university where different cultures and origins melt togetheer while each student still maintains their personal individuality.

The convincing factor to apply to columbia however was its core curriculum. I believe it is essential to broaden ones general knowledge and to indulge in literature fundamental to the building of our society. I also believe that with the core curriculum, I will be able to go beyond the barriers of my intended major and truly gain a liberal arts education.

I feel highly enthusiastic out taking the class Contemporary Civilizations as part of the core curriculum, and i am certain that I will truly enjoy it. I have studied the enlightenment movement in high school, and have also read literature from that time period outside of the classroom. I cant wait to study such subjects on a university level, and am glad that Columbia grants me this opportunity even though it is not necessarily part of my intended major.

I didn't quite understand how a diverse student body would "somehow" make you feel welcome. That seems like it's just thrown in there so you can talk about Columbia.

togetheerwhile each student still maintains theirRemember to keep the pronoun/noun agreement. You say "student" so it should be "his or her" not their.personal individuality.

You say core curriculum four times in the last couple of sentences. Maybe try to stray away from using the same words multiple times when they're close together.

broaden onesone'sgeneral knowledge.

I really like how you personalized this essay for Columbia, though. Also, the premise of the essay is strong. I'm also applying to Columbia so maybe I'll see you there!

i liked your essay.

but i think you should use your words more wisely (the diversity part doesn't really make sense)

There's only 250 words, so try talking more about the curriculum and less about the things that most people will talk about (diversity)

Thank you so much for your help!

What if I write: Columbia's diverse student body enticed my attention and further encouraged me to apply.

I basically want to say that since I myself am an international student, i would like to study at a university where there are students from all over the world.

How should i phrase that?

I liked your essay but I think it would be much better if you could delve more into the specifics about Columbia. Many universities out there can boast of diversity.