Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum-200 words average). I am at 999 characters! Whew!
Bella smiled, I grinned. I adored her hazel shaded eyes; she had a fondness of my checkered scarf. She asked me to stay--I never wanted to leave. Her tiny hand wrapped around my fingers, while she nibbled on my scarf as we walked alongside the pavement. It was our last day together; my last day in Jamaica, and all she wanted to do was to hold my hand. As my bus arrived, she curled her arms around my waist: hugged me so tightly the rhythm of our heartbeats sync. I wrote my number, email, and address; everything I could think of so that we can keep in touch. I haven't seen her since, but I miss her greatly. I went to Jamaica, Spring Break, as an international volunteer: renovating buildings, doubling the school's size, and constructing a cafeteria. The work was rewarding, but the locals made it worthwhile. I love volunteering, especially aboard. Uncovering new cultures and aiding others is what makes it amazing, but creating undying amity--incredible. I am still in touch with her today.
~What do you think? Any helpful suggestions?
A girlfriend is not an extracurricular activity - focus more than 2 sentences on the volunteer work.
This was a little girl (preschooler) I met on my volunteer trip. I guess I should make that more clear. I thought my "Her tiny hand wrapped around my fingers, while she nibbled on my scarf as we walked alongside the pavement." indicated she was a little girl. Thanks for the input.
It is unclear that this was a little girl. Yes, it is slightly implied, but i wouldn't recommend that she be the focus of half of your essay. Focus on the other things you did on the trip and then BREIFLY mention the small girl in may one or two(max) sentences.
phone number
saying just "number" is too informal.
I really enjoyed your essay it was very personal and your experience as a whole was very unique. I do think you should find a way to make it clear bella is a little girl and that you were doing volunteer work. You don't have to come out and blankly state it but there should be something there that clarifies the entire situation.
I like your essay, but I think you should talk more about how the little girl is related to you and your volunteer job. You might put the line, "her tiny hand..." closer to the beginning of the text to establish earlier that she's a little girl. That would clarify things a bit. Or you could switch the order: start by establishing the where, when and what, and then move into the very nicely expressed observation about the little girl and the final goodbye. Good luck!
You should make it clearer that the it is a little girl. Also, it seems like the whole thing is focused on her. It's a good idea to put her in it but it should not be the core of your essay.
It sounds good, but I wish if you had elaborated more on the work you did there. You have written this with more focus on Bella's relationship with you, but little did you say about the overall experience. Bella's story is good to add more emotional appealing to this, but at the same time you need to show what you learned through this experience, how it influenced you and shaped your character.
I think your wasting a lot of characters on the first few sentences which is really not important to the question. Try to add more on the volunteer work and cut down on the sad situation with your girl friend. :)
Haha. She is not my girlfriend. She's six years old now. Any who, here is the newer version of my essay. Helpful criticism would be great! Thanks.
Her tiny five-year old hand wrapped around my fingers while the other tugged on my scarf. Bella smiled and I grinned: my checkered scarf enthralled her. She asked me to stay--I never wanted to leave. It was our last day together; my last day in Jamaica, and all she wanted to do was hold my hand. As my bus arrived she curled her arms around my waist: hugging me so tightly the rhythm of our heartbeats were in sync. I wrote my information down, and gave her my cravat; I miss her greatly.
I went to Jamaica over Spring Break as an international volunteer--renovating her school's building, doubling its size, and constructing a cafeteria. Painting and plowing, repairing and landscaping, pieced together all of my labor. Her school never looked so picturesque. When I left, I felt blue, but inspired to volunteer abroad again. I love it all. Learning about new cultures and aiding others makes it gratifying, but creating undying friendships is incredible. I am still in touch with her today.