Hi. As a first time user and a horrible writer, I need some help with my introduction for the first draft of my admission essay. The prompt is the following:
- Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I decided to write about my brother and here is what I have so far(just the introduction).
<I fell from the bed. Bursting into tears, I cried out for my brother, surveying the area for his blurry figure. My mother heard the cacophonous sound of crying from the kitchen and scurried to get me. But it was my brother, Mridul, who was the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me. Against the backdrop of the dirty tin ceiling, I saw his face. A feeling of security and appreciation took over me as he picked me up and applied ice on the smooth, throbbing bump on my forehead, which to date I still have. Angry and red faced, my mother yelled at me for my stupidity. My brother took a different approach. "You cannot fly, you dummy." I lay in his scratched arms, recovering from the pain and fear, as he continued to explain to me in Bengali why I could not match the feat of gravity. But all I understood was that his knowledge and love for me was just as enduring and great.>
Any help would be greatly appreciated--especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.
Thank you all.
- Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I decided to write about my brother and here is what I have so far(just the introduction).
<I fell from the bed. Bursting into tears, I cried out for my brother, surveying the area for his blurry figure. My mother heard the cacophonous sound of crying from the kitchen and scurried to get me. But it was my brother, Mridul, who was the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me. Against the backdrop of the dirty tin ceiling, I saw his face. A feeling of security and appreciation took over me as he picked me up and applied ice on the smooth, throbbing bump on my forehead, which to date I still have. Angry and red faced, my mother yelled at me for my stupidity. My brother took a different approach. "You cannot fly, you dummy." I lay in his scratched arms, recovering from the pain and fear, as he continued to explain to me in Bengali why I could not match the feat of gravity. But all I understood was that his knowledge and love for me was just as enduring and great.>
Any help would be greatly appreciated--especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.
Thank you all.