I notice two problems of my essay: 1) My character is not drawn flush, while my mother's is on the contrary. :< 2) The "subliminal" part is not logically strong enough.
ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED.
I turned on the TV to stream Pretty Little Liars. In a prom, Emily laid down on her mother's shoulder as her mother caressed Emily's forehead, whispering: "I love you very much. I wish I could be with you every day." Phew, that was cheesy.
But I longed for it, for my mom hardly said, "love" to me.
[...]
As a central identity story, the essay needs to develop your character much more. At this point, your mother is the central character of the essay, with her role really developed within the moments after the essay broke. Remember, your mother is not the central point of the essay. This all about you. So you need to develop your central identity much more and much sooner than almost the last paragraph of the essay. Try to revise the part about what happened after the bracelet broke and how your mother reacted to it. Get to the point about family immediately and the significance of the bracelet in the development of your central identity as soon as possible. Downplay your mother's reaction. By the way, what is the connection of the lukewarm shower to the breaking of the bracelet? The essay is a bit unclear about how that relates to the events that followed.
EDITED:
I turned on the TV to stream Pretty Little Liars. In a prom, Emily laid down on her mother's shoulder as her mother caressed Emily's forehead, whispering: "I love you Em. And I hope we could always be together." Phew, that was cheesy.
But I longed for it, for my mom hardly said, "love" to me.
Two years ago, my mom gave me a bracelet with three lethargic molted jade beads connected by a clumpy red string. "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" I contended, yet knowing that she wouldn't yield. "It's good for you." She simply left it there, highlighting factually that it was an order, not a proposal. This was my mother, a "bull" born in 1972, always intransigent and old-fashioned. I sighed as I reluctantly put it on, picturing in mind the bleak future of not being cool anymore.
One night last summer, I took off the bracelet before a shower. Just then, my friend Michelle called. As we were doing little chitchat, I wandered around like a flappy warbler. Suddenly, my elbow knocked down the bracelet. Bang! It directly plunged onto the floor. One of the beads had irrecoverably broken apart.
On hearing the sound, My mom rushed to my room, and I knew I was to be lambasted. But instead, her countenance suddenly turned to vacantly wan, as if she were caught by the spirit and fell, losing her soul. As she collected the scattered fragments, there were no tears in her eyes, but loss and sorrow that tears could not adequately express. She was not the mom I thought I knew closely. She looked twenty years older.
"I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't been so reckless." I apologized to my mom with my downcast eyes fixed on the floor. She said nothing, and we just stood there silently for roughly five minutes. Suddenly, she turned to me and gave me the tightest hug I'd ever had. I was utterly dumbfounded, and a sense that I hadn't experienced before was rolling in my body. I felt the warmth of love, not in words, but in the language of the heart. Somehow, we both burst into tears, with a mixture of tenderness and sentiments.
That night, we talked a lot about the bracelet. My mom told me she picked it for me for the same reason my grandma picked one for her: to remind us of our family. The three beads represent the father, mother, and son. As long as the beads stick together, no matter how far away we are from one another, our souls are always linked.
Before that night, my interpretation of the bracelet was entirely different: superstition and superstition. I could hardly understand the environment in which she was brought up. Without smart phones, computers, and such modern world gadgets, she saw the world in a different dimension. We, therefore, represent two different generations, each having its distinctive culture on the same land. We speak the same language, still lost in translation.
But after that night I understand that the spiritual heritage is way more than superstition. Beneath its seemingly unfathomable facade are universal values such as love and kindness, but rendered in a different way. These values are materialized in real objects, because words are fleeting, while tangible things last longer and remind better.
Perhaps never the twain shall meet, but the overlap has the power to connect us, transcending time and space. And this universality also intrigues one to seek understanding in dissimilarities, and to approach another culture without condescendence or despise. So although sometimes I'm still confused certain points about my mother's culture, instead of resisting, I try to understand and embrace it.
Once in a dream, I saw the bead fragments came back together as one. In the moonlight, it shone so vibrantly, emitting its splendor to the goodwill embodied in my jade bracelet.
Well this certainly paints a clear picture of the central development of your identity. While I still feel that too much description of your mother is being presented in the essay, I believe the essay still works better than the first one. Can't your mom just be a mention in the essay? I think you can better develop both your characters by bringing it full circle to the PLL scene that you mentioned at the start. Yes, I believe that will work. You have the "I love you" moment with your mom that you thought you could only dream of and through the breaking of the bracelet, you got your moment and a central identity building conversation with her at the same time. Do you think you can make it work out to meet that angle of presentation?
