'a Japanese speaking class' - Elaborate on one extracurricular activity

Please leave any comment or advice after reading my essay. I really appreciate your help.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

When I was a 12th-grade student, I had a chance to organize a Japanese speaking class to teach university students. Dreaming of becoming a professor after graduating from college, I conceived that this teaching experience would be an excellent opportunity for me to enhance my ability, and find out the way to improve myself. On the first day I made acquaintance with some of my students, I shrugged a bit, thinking if I was a well-qualified person to lead these people for the lecture, as all of them were of Japanese major. Fairly soon, however, I noticed that the concern was purely redundant. They followed the class extremely well, and, in most cases, tried their best to make progress. I enjoyed tutoring them very much. I would rather say that the lesson was mine, because the experience showed me the effective way to communicate with people of difference race, age, and language, hurling down the invisible walls existed between them and me.

When I was a 12th-grade student, I had the chance to organize a Japanese speaking class to teach university students. Dreaming of becoming a professor after graduating from college, I conceived that this teaching experience would be an excellent opportunity for me to enhance my ability, and find out the way to improve myself. I feel as though you should try to break this sentence up some how its really long.

On the first day I made acquaintance with some of my students, I shrugged a bit, thinking if I was a well-qualified person to lead these people for the lecture, as all of them were of Japanese major again here although this is correct grammar I really do not think you should have so many commas try to break it up a little.

Fairly soon, however, I noticed that the concern was purely redundant. They followed the class extremely well, and, in most cases, tried their best to make progress. I enjoyed tutoring them very much. I would rather say that the lesson was mine, because the experience showed me the effective way to communicate with people of difference race, age, and language, hurling down the invisible walls existing between them and me.

I raelly believe that you should talk about more with what you did with the students, you can have up to 1000 words you should really use more of that ooppurtunity to let the university know what you did.

Thank you so much for your careful revision Kory! I really appreciate it.

You are definately right. I also think the two sentences are a little too long.

I know I didn't help much with yours but if you'd look at even a little part of mine I'd greatly appreciate it and return the favor for your other essay! :)