This is very first draft. I need suggestions on what to improve, add, or take out. Again, this'll be really bad and I would in no way submit it as is, I'm just hitting a block on how to improve it.
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
When I first met Josh, before I had even talked with him, the air was filled with sounds of dogs barking and cats yowling. We had both signed up to take our school's first drama class, an experimental class more than anything else. On my first day of school, I was stuck on the floor yowling like a cat as Josh was the dog curiously trying to torture me. Unfortunately, neither of us liked to lose, and our cat/dog fight ended in a draw after a few minutes of circling and not-quite-fatal fake wounds.
Josh was a grade older than me and had been my older sister's friend for the past year. We quickly grew to be good friends, as we had much in common: love for drama, shared musical interests, and similar attitudes towards life. We shared similar histories and struggles, triumphs and temptations, victories and downfalls. Josh quickly became one of my mentors and people I respected most. When I needed advice or had a question, he was there with answers and solutions. More often than not, he had a way of eliciting the answer from my own mind, influencing me to increase my mental reasoning.
Life has not always been kind to Josh. He's dealt with many things from painful lies being spread about him to financial difficulties to his parents' marital troubles. Though only eighteen, he shoulders more responsibility than most adults I know as he works overtime while also studying full-time at Portland Community College. What I respect most about him is his perseverance. He continues going in situations where most would be inclined to give up, giving his all in everything he does.
Though his perseverance is inspiring, his incredible acceptance of others is what has influenced me most. He does not care what others think about him and does not expect anyone to live up to his standards. That is what drew me to become friends with him. In a world where everyone expected so much of me and constantly reminded me of my failures, he simply accepted me and helped me move on and learn. From him I learned to accept everyone despite their racial, religious, economic, or cultural background. We are all human, we are all equal, and we cannot expect others to live up to our standards.
His influence in my life has led to my own self-acceptance. He taught me to recognize my faults and accept them without letting them rule my life, while also recognizing the good traits of my personality which make me unique. When I doubted my own ability to do something, he encouraged me to work towards it with all my heart. It is his influence that drives my ambition in working towards my dreams.
Great use of the word yowling... :-)
I think we can eliminate a few words here to improve the reader's experience and stil convey the same meaning:
When I needed advice or had a question , he was there with answers and solutions.
More often than not, he had a way of eliciting the answer from my own mind, influencing me to increase my mental reasoning.---very interesting! Lets change increase to strengthen or improve.
This is very well written. One criticism I can give is that you seem to go on and on about the main idea instead of developing it and expanding on it. If you can find a few sentences you can eliminate to make room, it would be good to write a few more sentences specifically about the way his influence relates to your short term aspirations and college plan. :-)
