UC Prompt #1 "My Journey to self-reliance"

UC Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was born and raised in Mexico up until the age of six, where I lived with my mother and two sisters. Our family made the big move to the United States when I was six in order to live a better life and be with my father. When we arrived in California we lived in a small home, where I was isolated from all the outside dangers present in the world. We later moved to a small home in Modesto, CA, where my whole life changed. Our neighborhood was not the safest place to be, our neighbors where either drug dealers or users, with a dose of gang related activities. I soon realized that I had to keep to myself if I wanted to stay out of danger. I instead concentrated in doing well in school and keeping up my grades, I did not know what it meant at the time, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. I really enjoyed my school and learned English quickly as I felt that it was my responsibly to do well as a way to show gratitude towards the new opportunities in the United States. I liked being the student who always went above and beyond in school projects; I was not accustomed to American expectations so I always made sure to try my best in order to try and be what I thought was average. I became comfortable enough that I participated in student council and ran for office; I tried to take every opportunity possible. At the same time that I discovered my liking for school my parents were going through a devastating divorce, my world was no longer "perfect." After intense custody, legal issues, my sisters and I lived with my father, while my mother moved to Texas. I coped with the situation by hiding my feelings and focused on school more than ever to try and ignore my home life. The absence of my mother made me more independent and self reliant. My father worked an irregular schedule so my sisters and I were often left to fend for ourselves, resulting in a hectic household.

Years passed on the same routine and when I reached high school I had perfected my self-reliance. I learned that the world was not here to serve me and instead I had to rely on myself or I would just end up like the people in my neighborhood. Entering high school I had to overcome another obstacle; my sisters moved with my mother in Texas, leaving me to rely on myself even further. I discovered that there was more to life than the routine I had developed; I became involved in community service and clubs to try and connect with other people, teaching me that life will get better. My friends and teachers have also motivated me throughout the years, giving me strength at the times I needed it the most.

I now am a senior in high school, still striving for my future, despite the constant setbacks and lack of family support. I have decided that I want to attend a four year college and later apply to medical school to become a forensic pathologist. I know that I want to pursue higher education and be the first college graduate in my family. I guess living a fairly private life and volunteering at nursing convalescent homes has taught me that death is mysterious art, which I want to further explore as a forensic pathologist. In my seventeen years of life I have fought the urge to give up and instead discovered that I am capable of becoming a college graduate and doing what I want to do and not what my demographics suggest.

I can see the retreat from society clearly, but the re-emergence into the community is not apparent. As a result you come off, for me at least, as a bit anti-social. The essay seems to be centered, for the first half, around a cynical perspective that doesn't completely vanish in the second half. I'm not entirely sure if you want to present yourself as a cynical person.

There are still some small grammatical errors, so I would advise re-reading it a few times.

You may have spread yourself too thin. You talk about alot, but not in depth. I feel like if you went in depth on just one or two of the events in your life, then I would have a clearer picture of who you are.

Here is an idea for the structure and style of the first sentence:
I was born and raised until the age of six in Mexico, up until the age of six, where I lived with my mother and two sisters.

I am excited about your great potential as a writer, because you have an excellent style. However, you need to use paragraphs in a more effective way.

Google this: paragraph topic sentence
Google this: paragraph transition sentence
Google this: thesis statement last sentence first paragraph

You end your first paragraph with this: My father worked an irregular schedule so my sisters and I were often left to fend for ourselves, resulting in a hectic household. ---andit makes me ask, "What is this essay really about?"

I hope you find a CONCEPT that ties together all your main ideas -- having to keep to yourself to avoid trouble, family issues, your future as a forensic pathologist... what do they all have in common? Whatever it is, it is a concept close to your heart.

Thank you very much. I re-structured my essay and edited a lot. I am by no means done editing, but hopefully its better.

UC Prompt 1
My greatest hardship cannot define the person I have grown to be-I am a compilation of sore memories and experiences that have given me strength; just as two polar magnets use their earthly force to repelled each other, I have been repelled into following my dream of becoming a forensic pathologist by events that are seemingly unrelated to my intended profession.

In my childhood I was naïve, but delighted on the simplicity of being a kid. I was born and raised in Mexico, were I lived with my mother and two sisters. I lived a fairly sheltered life-- went to a private catholic school and had a comfy home in comparison to my neighbors. When I was six my family moved to California in order to be with my father. I struggled with English at school, but never gave up. I instead concentrated in doing well in school and keeping up my grades, I did not know what it meant at the time, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. I really enjoyed school and learned English quickly as I felt that it was my responsibly. I liked being the student who always went above and beyond in school projects; I was not accustomed to American expectations so I always made sure to try my best in order to be what I thought was average. I became comfortable enough that I participated in student council and ran for office; I tried to take every opportunity possible. At the same time that I discovered my liking for school my parents were going through a devastating divorce, my world was no longer "perfect." After intense custody, legal issues, my sisters and I lived with my father, while my mother moved to Texas. Upon entering high school I had to overcome another obstacle; my sisters moved with my mother, leaving me to rely on myself even further. I coped with the situation by hiding my feelings and focused on school more than ever to try and ignore my home life. The absence of my mother made me more independent and self reliant. I learned to do my own laundry, clean my own dishes and most importantly, gather enough self-motivation to continue to do well in school. My family disintegrated, but in a morbid, twisted way it helped me focus more on school.

Years passed on the same routine and when I reached high school I had perfected my self-reliance. I learned that the world was not here to serve me and instead I had to rely on myself for motivation. I no longer had to worry about my academic success, but realized that I grew up too quickly and had forgotten the beauty of friendships; I had become a recluse in order to avoid the pain that came with loosing someone. I discovered that there was more to life than the routine I had developed; I became involved in community service and clubs in order to connect with people out of my comfort zone, resulting in memorable friendships that will hopefully withstand the scrutiny of time.

I now am a senior in high school, still striving for my future, despite the constant personal setbacks. I have decided that I want to attend a four year college and later apply to medical school to become a forensic pathologist. In my seventeen years of life I have fought the urge to give up and instead discovered that I am capable of becoming a college graduate and do what I want to do and not what my demographics suggest. Being a forensic pathologist will hopefully bring closure to the families of loved ones, just like I sought balance in my life when it was full of uncertainty. Perhaps my life has not been what I imagined it to be, but I am proud to be the person I am now.