Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement

Hi, this is the essay prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

The northern horizon, which had turned a bluish grey, is showing orange again. The orange turns into copper and then into a luminous russet. Sitting on a shikara- boathouse-, in Kashmir's famous "Dal Lake", I am watching the dying sunset. My gaze turns from the sky, to the still lake water, abundant with rose petals. These emanate a sweet fragrance, one present in a place of worship, one that I feel when I embrace my mother. The lake captures the essence of Kashmir, the water surface radiating an aura of peace and serenity. Looking more intently, I notice that beneath the clear surface, the petals have given the water a reddish tinge. Even as I watch, the redness continues to envelope the lake like a drop of blood in water.

"Blood", a word that has become synonymous with Kashmir as each new dawn smears more of it on the innocent face of this beautiful land. Listening to the sound of the oars against the water, I notice a small child standing at the shore. His eyes are the light blue of the Kashmir sky. I smile at him and wave a friendly gesture. His sapphire eyes suddenly reflect fear. Fear, which has developed through years of neglect and bloodshed, as Kashmir lies, a forgotten Palestine.

The shikara rows further away from the shore, but I want it to stop so I can reach the child and tell him that I am a friend. It does not stop and as darkness engulfs the valley, the child's silhouette is all that is visible. Ironically, like Kashmir, whose beauty too has been reduced into a silhouette as terror casts its blanket of darkness...

Any constructive feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you!

Chetan Singhal

What, why? I'll copy it and paste it here, I guess:/

"Wow, are you Kashmiri?
I connect with what you're saying, but I don't think you've said enough about the fear, it may be difficult for other people to realize its impact.

Your second paragraph is about redness, I THINK it might be worth your while to mention that more prominently in the first.
I think you use the word Kashmir too much in the second half of the second paragraph, maybe you should restructure to avoid using the name in some places?

The first and last paragraphs can be removed, cause you can make the environment you're talking about the Dal Lake, that might help you with your word crunch. If you do that, write more about the concept of the silhouette, it can tell a better story of the significance of the scene to you.

I think 70 words over is too high, it might make you seem indecisive.
Good luck:)"

i can finally see, what you've written. Thank you so much! And no Im not Kashmiri, though it might've been pretty cool to be one. I'll work on your suggestions.

Thanks again!

Chetan

You don't have to use the hindi words; though it makes it authentic, it's something you CAN dispense of if the dreaded word count problem hits.

Oh, and your last line is gorgeous.
" Ironically, like Kashmir, whose beauty has been reduced into a silhouette as terror casts its blanket of darkness"
I don't know if there should be a comma between ironically and Kashmir, and whether it should be another sentence; get someone else to look at that??

280 words, I am finally within the word limit!