Essay Prompt-
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Please correct any grammar or spelling errors and let me know if the content is suitable. Thank you!
At just eight years old, I discovered a sport that would change my life. Knees shaking and shoulders hunched forward, I slowly entered through the large glass doors at this new school. This was no ordinary school however; kicking and punching another person would not put you straight into detention. I watched in awe of the other students as they flung their legs effortlessly into the air and shot their arms directly out in front at a ninety degree angle and pull it back into their chest in less time than it took to blink. They all were yelling this bizarre noise that resembled a chant. I pulled up my sleeve of my new uniform and looked at my muscles in my arm, or lack there of, and thought, "I am way too weak for this. I can't do it." My mom gave me a little nudge and I stumbled forward into the room. I quickly bowed to follow suite of the other students. It took about a week of classes for me to get acquainted with everyone and realize that tae kwon do is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I stayed at that school for three years and received my Red Belt Decided. I took a break from tae kwon do for about two years, but soon realized I had a really strong passion for tae kwon do and I made the decision to get back into it. I started back up at age thirteen and have been doing karate ever since. I won two first place trophies at the national competition. I now have my Second Degree Black Belt Decided and I am working hard towards my Third Degree Black Belt. The Vires, or physical strength, exemplified in my life is very prominent. If I were ever to be attacked by someone, I know exactly where and how to get that person on the ground and in the most pain they've ever experienced all in at least five seconds.
I joined Key Club, the largest high-school community service-based organization, the very first day of freshman year. I attended the meetings every Monday and helped at as many service projects and events as possible. I continually was award Key Club Member of the Month for my effort and dedication to the club. I became more involved, attached, and determined to run for a leadership position in Key Club as I got older. I ran for Secretary for the year of April 2009 to April 2010 and was awarded the Distinguished Club Secretary award at the annual convention. Then, I decided to run for President the year of April 2010 to April 2011. Key Club has helped me grow as a person and develop better character and leadership skills. I can truly say that as President of Key Club with 70 members underneath me, I will do the best in leading the members to take them to new heights with helping not only in our community, but in our nation as a whole. I am dedicating myself next year to Key Club and we will raise 9,000 dollars for The Water Project (a non-profit organization building drinking wells in countries in Africa and India). I am vowing for my club to raise that amount of money because I always strive to help others who are less fortunate than myself.
Your essay has very good potential. I see you decided to go with the word Vires as an important value to you. I think that you have done well in choosing Key club (moral strength) and Tae Kwon Do (physical strength). You might want to mention an academic involvement in your life as the intellectual strength or an academic pursuit you see yourself going for if you were at FSU. You might also want to try to connect all the strengths together in one way or another. For example the strength you learned to defend yourself in karate inspired you to become involved in defending the lives of those less fortunate through Key club. Although, it may seem redundant considering you already know what the prompt is, you should still make sure the reader can read it in a flowing manner.
Like I said, this has great potential. Also, your introduction is very vivid and captivating! Good work!
If I were ever to be attacked by someone, I know exactly where and how to get that person on the ground and in the most pain they've ever experienced all in at least five seconds.
This sentence is too long. You should say this in a way that requires only 10 words. Can you do it? 10 words is not a lot. The way you have it here, the "at least" is not proper... because you mean "under 5 seconds," not 'at least.' But anyway, make this part shorter! :-)
Okay, another important idea: this looks like 2 different essays! Do this:
Add a topic sentence to each paragraph.
Try to make each paragraph shorter by cutting out unnecessary words and phrases.
Add an intro paragraph that ends in a thesis statement about the main idea for the whole essay.
Add a conclusion paragraph that restates the thesis and discusses it some more.
:-)
