'killing two birds...' - How I overcame financial difficulty over my life

Hi guys! I really need to work on some of the grammar things down there. I also want to know about sentenced that don't make sense at all.. Thank you!

According to a British research, 68% of the world's successful venture businessmen come from impoverished households. This proves costly youth education expense doesn't really matter, which I have always agreed with. That's why I sack a costless host family in America. The host family I found on the Internet was actually quite overwhelming to adjust when I lived with them. A part of reasons was that I didn't pay any money, causing financial difficulty to them. However, through the experience with the family, I learned how to overcome obstacles I faced throughout my high school career in America.

The family members in themselves were nice, but the environment in the house bothered me. Located on outskirts, the house was small, I slept in an office room, neighbors were not wholesome, and my unclear-headed host mother wanted me to open windows in winter. The fact that the children have committed serious crimes even scared me. Those issues were too harsh for a young international student who just came from the other side of the world. Awkwardness also existed in the household between my host parents and me since I didn't pay for hosting although they volunteered to do it for free. However, I never gave up my faith in the family since they were willing to have me in their house. Reminding me of the British statistic helped too. With challenging spirit, I tried to respect house rules, their expectations, and most importantly, each of the family members. I passionately worked on keeping a good relationship with the family. At the end of the school year, I had to gulp back tears as they held a little goodbye party for me. Looking back, I learned a very valuable lesson without any cost.

This reality led me to seek for an American family later when I decided to transfer to another school in Pennsylvania. With paying much more money, I could stay in a Korean hosting house where I didn't have to think about cultural difference and feeling awkwardness, but I rather chose to be with natives. Plus, it doesn't cost much so it is the effect of killing two birds with one stone. So you guess. Who will be much more willing to be challenging in the future; moneybags or myself?

The concept of your paragraph is strong, however, the paragraph needs to be revised entirely. First thing,your introduction mention a stat that deals with the businessmen of the world. Why not mention a stat about the percentage of businessmen that came out of poverty in the U.S.? After that continue to give supporting facts on that stat. In the second paragraph, go into detail about why you chose to adopt a family and your experience. Be very detailed, this will give your reader a good insight on the severity of poverished families. In a fourth paragraph, you can talk how you felt after leaving and how that changed your thought on life (if it had any effect). Lastly, in the conclusion reiteriate everything that was said in the previous paragraphs and add a stat, or quote, or just something interesting. Hopefully this shine some light. Good Luck!!

THank you very much for your help Alexis! -- I will try to revise the whole essay.

How? what did you do in particular where you more humble, more tolerant or more helpful?

To overcome financial difficulty there are some words that are needed there that should strike a cord with the reader such as determination, focus, strategic thinking and how you were able to acheive your goals inspite of all the obstacles that were in your part. Anyway good luck