Hi, could you please edit this supplemental essay to Colgate University and also comment on it? Thank you so much!
Prompt: We want to get to know you better. What are three words that your best friend would use to describe you and why? 250 words maximum
My best friends would describe me as intelligent, hardworking, and invaluable. Because of my success in my academics and ability to understand difficult intellectual topics, my friends would describe me as intelligent. Concepts that others may not understand easily, especially in math and science, come easily to me. Though I understand most intellectual concepts, sometimes I struggle with something, but my hardworking nature inspires me to do everything possible to understand. For example, as a sophomore, when I was struggling with Pre-Calculus, I went to my teacher for help most mornings and afternoons to get help so that I would fully understand the concepts, which then translated to higher scores on my tests. This hardworking descriptor also presents itself in my self-disciplined nature. Though it is very tempting to watch TV or read instead of finishing my homework, I ignore those temptations and continue to work hard until I have finished what needs to be done. I also am very invaluable due to my commitment of time to helping others, especially in their academics. I dedicate much of my time to helping others understand math and science through Mu Alpha Theta (math honor society) and Science National Honor Society, but also help others in a variety of other subjects outside of these activities. I am happy to assist in whatever they need help with, from physics to English. These three words encompass my core values and are evident in the way that I live my life.
Cassie, here is the thing. You are still not describing yourself in an informal method. The way that your friends know you outside of the rigors of academic training. The essay is giving you an opportunity to describe who you are as a person, as a friend, and as a confidante. You are not being asked for the way that your friends would describe the academic you. Get away from that mindset for now and relax. Show the reviewer exactly who you are beyond the classroom and your academic interests. Did you read your essay once over? Did you notice how your descriptions still centered on the academic side? That is the side that you should not be presenting at the moment. Do you know that your description sounds too automated to the point that it is obvious that you are still responding for yourself and your friends opinion of you is not actually being represented it in the statement? Well, I am telling you that this is exactly what is happening in your statement. You have to veer away from this mindset and show the private and friendly side of your personality. This is supposed to be written from the point of view of your friends so I suggest you go direct to the source for this one. Ask your friends to describe you in 3 words to yourself. Then have them explain why. Use that information to write the paper. Don't try to answer for them, let them answer for themselves.
Merged:Completely rewritten Colgate University Supplemental Essay
Hi, I completely rewrote my Colgate University Supplemental Essay and would really appreciate it if you would edit and comment on it! Thank you!
Prompt: We want to get to know you better. What are three words that your best friend would use to describe you and why? 250 words max
My best friends would describe me as witty, honest, and helpful. I always find the humor behind everything, drawing connections ...
Cassie, based upon your description in the statement, your character trait should be described more as opinionated than honest. The way that you describe your being blunt and frank in the way that you present your subject matter, and the way your friends react to it more closely resembles an opinionated person rather than an honest person. You see, it is possible to be honest without being blunt and frank to the point of being hurtful to the emotions, sentiments, and beliefs of other people. An opinionated person, which you describe in your essay, doesn't care how he gets his opinion across as long as he gets to say what he wants. Don't mistake being opinionated for being honest. Those are two different descriptions that are often mistaken for one another. Aside from my concern about that particular trait as described in your statement, the rest of the revisions work well in representing your more casual and friendly side to the reviewer. So I would keep the rest of the essay intact and just pay attention to a possible revision of the portion that I pointed out above.